30 minutes to process this human experience

soon, my solitude is broken. and i’m left to navigate the world as a “normal” person who enjoys or at least tolerates interacting with others..

where to begin..

the intention i have set for today is: self-love, self-acceptance, self-forgiveness

i’ve been struggling with feeling unconditionally lovable recently.. one of my best friends suffered a deep loss, and i’ve been trying to play support from a distance.. and i’m finding that much of my path is accepting my limitations and not taking it personally when she chooses to not engage. i am continuing to practice de-centering myself to keep a focus on everything that’s at play. all that is on her heart and mind and plate right now..

i’m tired. all the time. i think part of this is chronic mild depression. paired with also not taking great care of myself… or maybe more so making decisions that i know might drain me. or not actively serving my heart. or, i don’t know, being a human who consistently struggles with my own humanity.

i wish i had answers even when i understand more clearly now that life is much more a path of living the questions. and i have so many questions. there’s so much about this life i don’t understand. and so much about culture and society that frustrates me. it’s like we’re all living as though everyday isn’t a high stakes game. that everyday we don’t choose between life and death. that everyday, when we wake up and open our eyes, we have been blessed profoundly.

i am tired. of trying to figure it out.

i’m tired of being in this country, being in community with people i don’t know how to talk to. but then again, i guess that’d probably happen anywhere. but you have to admit that this country has gone straight bananas.

i don’t understand how people don’t live in terror of what’s going to happen to our earth. it’s like everyone’s consuming but no one’s listening. the writing on the wall is clear, and yet.. we continue on.

this isn’t meant to blame the general population who’s just trying to survive from day-to-day. who’s trying to make it to work, pay their bills, feed them and their loved ones, keep gas in the car. i’m frustrated that it’s not easier to gather together. to say: y’all, enough is enough. we can’t keep doing this. we HAVE to change. like NOW.

i’m angry at the system that keeps people busy, distracted, burnt out, disconnected, beat down. i’m so angry that i’m really just mostly tired..

i wonder what the path forward looks like. i wonder what it’ll be like in 20 years when everything comes crashing down. the idea scares me, and the subreddit Boring Dystopia feels more and more valid with each passing day. the strange thing is that it’s not that we don’t know. i guess it’s that the vast majority of us feel powerless? so we talk but know not what actions to take. (#stopline3)

i’m amused by the American empire that think it’s so great and yet is on the brink of collapse. mediocre white men will truly be the source of our demise..

and so, today, i walk the path of self-forgiveness. for all the things i didn’t do, did poorly, or failed miserably at. for the harm i’ve caused intentionally or not. for the words that i have fumbled, missed, offered incompletely.

the idea of not being what the people i love need, for missing the mark or unintentionally being harmful breaks my heart. makes it hard to breathe. makes me want to curl up into a ball. it’s debilitating. and my struggle to be imperfect (read:human) gets in the way of that which could actually help me — accountability, learning, growing, making amends.

i cannot prevent myself from getting this human thing wrong. but i can commit to a path of accountability and gratitude for the opportunity to do better.

i’ve been reminding myself of this on a daily basis. because otherwise i am frozen by fear. so much fear. of losing love. of not being worthy.

i have to believe in forgiveness, of my ability to move forward with intention and be corrected without falling apart. this is part of my service. to myself, others, and the world.

i am learning how to stay open even when my heart feels like it might combust. to love even when there seems to be nothing left inside me to offer. to believe that us humans can redeem ourselves. because i believe the coming years will necessitate redemption. Inshallah

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