accountability, big & small

i’ve been thinking a lot about accountability recently.

the more i learn about organizing and social justice spaces, the more aware i become of how vital accountability is to be in right relationship with, well, anyone or anything.

i’ve recently had someone from *a past life* (the fuckboy mentioned in a previous post) reach out to me. to give more background: he was once a coworker and a friend. i developed feelings for him, shared them with him, and although he did not reciprocate, the real kicker was how he then proceeded to pretend like nothing had ever happened between us (including hooking up), and it was a complete and total mindfuck.

the rejection and what i guess we’d now call gaslighting was a lot to take in.

and there was a lot for me to account for on my side of things. such as how i was able to “fall” for someone who was not offering me even close to enough. and how what those realizations told me about where i was at in life during that period (which was very lonely and desperate b/c of it).

god, and then there was another iteration of this whole mess that took place during the pandemic (a year and a half after the initial drama), which led to me cutting him out 4real cause i finally just couldn’t (why i hadn’t already done it, idk…)

that wound from 3 1/2 years ago is still fresh in my body somewhere, waiting to be seen, felt acknowledged…

and it’s also its own flavor of confusing to feel deeply hurt while also being totally invalidated in your pain.

pulling my classic “cool girl” routine, i went along with the idea that everything was “normal” and “totally chill,” because otherwise i’d have to admit hurt feelings to someone who had already proven untrustworthy with my vulnerability. and double rejection at that time would’ve exploded my self-confidence into tiny, unrecognizable pieces.

so, anyway, it was a fucking time. oh, and he was my boss for part of this time period.

(lol i’m loving putting this guy on blast. i’m worried that some people will be like: he doesn’t sound that bad, you’re just overreacting. but i’m like, *the bitches who get it will get it.* he’s such a fucking fuckboy)

anyways, his “thinking bout you” text after months upon months of silence (and me blocking him on whatsapp (like come on, bro…)) was so basic in it assumption that after enough time, we’d suddenly be okay again.

and you know what, we’re not. and not b/c i can’t “get over” my past hurt but b/c he’s never had to fucking answer to any of his wrongdoings — the ways in which he betrayed our “friendship” that he claimed to care about.

just nah son, very uncool.

an open letter to whoever needs to hear it: look, if you don’t want to have to answer to shady behavior you committed towards someone in the past, okay, whatever, me either. but don’t try and pick up that relationship as though nothing happened and plan on just never addressing it and hoping it never comes up. like come on, that’s insulting…

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i’ve also been thinking about accountability in relation to the vaccine and the ways in which i’m creating physical and emotional boundaries with people in my life who are still unwilling to get vaccinated (how i relate to people who are unvaccinated functions on a spectrum but at this point, whoever you are, my motivation to keep distance is protect myself and others (and to not lose my shit on you))

this is not about shaming people, it’s about fear. i now know people who have died from this virus (including young people). and i want to avoid being part of potentially hurting someone as much as i can.

so yes, people can choose to not get vaccinated. but they can then also be held accountable to the ways their decision affects their community. b/c idk if you’ve heard but we’re in a fucking pandemic.

and to add a layer of nuance to the conversation, i feel very conflicted over people losing their jobs, especially working class people, over not getting vaccinated… i don’t know how we’re going to do this, y’all…

but the people i’m especially frustrated by carry a solid amount of privilege and are acting rather recklessly, and those are the people i am struggling to find compassion for.

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so here we are, 4 months and some change from 2022. y’all ready or what? cause honestly it still feels like 2020 over here…

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❤ ❤ ❤