at least i can say i tried..

i just listened to a morning meditation by Chani Nicholas, and in it, she talks about transitioning from the dream world to conscious awareness.

she speaks to holding onto this dream experience in some way, even if it’s simply holding onto the feeling.

have you ever woken up with the realization that you dreamed a lot but can barely put your finger on any specific detail? this was me last night/the past week — this sense of things are being unraveled and put on display but having no clear idea of what those things are..

so i appreciated Chani emphasizing, if you can’t quite grasp the details, then simply explore the feeling.

as i sat with this, trying to put my finger on the feeling at play in my dreams, i came across the word yearning, which then evolved to: a yearning for comfort.

i had a dream of a friend moving in across the street from me, and the sense of relief and joy at having a friend in this place where i know so few people.

i yearn so deeply for friendship, intimacy, connection, and community. and yet i know that this will not come quickly and easily.. i have no clear path to finding any of these things, at least not sustainably.

i’ve been working on my consumption of cannabis.. being so lonely and isolated, it’s all too easy to lean on its healing and comforting powers.. and like anything, too much of a good thing… well, you know..

and so here i am, writing. hoping that the expulsion of these words from my head will provide me some sort of levity.. at least for a bit.

the sadness that resides inside me needs outlets, needs camaraderie, needs to be shared.. and i believe that eventually i will find my way there. but the in-between space.. it requires more faith than i’m accustomed to conjuring. it requires a sustained faith, one that does not depend on external factors.. and let me tell y’all, that shit is a daily challenge.. to trust that although i can’t see it or even envision it, there is something happening under the surface, in realms i may never have access to..

but what’s the other option? debilitating despair.. i’ve been there, and i have no interest in returning. so faith against all odds, faith that contradicts my reason and skeptical side, that is what i’m nurturing, what i’m seeking, where i’m pouring my hopes and dreams into.

and if i never get there..? well, at least i can say that i tried ❤

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