i’ve been guilting myself over not writing all day/month/life, so here we go — might as well give myself one less thing to feel bad about.
i haven’t been writing, because i haven’t had clarity around what to say/how to put my thoughts and feels into words. i guess we call that brain fog these days..
i’m about 2 weeks out from a breakup, and it is sitting heavy on my heart.. the yearning, the missing, the guilt, and the desire to “fix” things. to somehow make it all okay, make it so it doesn’t have to hurt and scar. i fear the impact on him much more than myself.. which is pretty much the story of my life when it comes to upsetting situations involving others and myself.
i feel myself being called to nurture patience time and time again these days.. and with 6 doses of capricorn energy in my chart, i guess it was an inevitable virtue on my end..
i pulled the two of swords for my daily pull today, which features a woman seated in front of a body of water, presumably the ocean, blindfolded with two swords, one in each hand, crossed over her shoulders.
this speaks to the struggle of grappling with a decision while lacking the clarity needed to make the call. and i feel that on multiple levels right now.. a sense of being pulled in opposite directions without knowing which one is “better” or more true.
Between the Worlds podcast has a great episode on the two of swords, and ways to navigate such a predicament.
i’ve been trying to sit with this energy of tension, to feel into my heart and body for guidance. but as i drop deeper into my inner knowing, i find that the answer is to wait. to stay patient, and to let things play out. to trust that i’ll make a decision when the time is right, when i need to..
i recently learned the phrase “liminal space” from an episode of On Being (if you can’t tell, i’m a podcast whore), and it’s stuck with me ever since. in the episode, they were talking about borders as liminal spaces, but so are births, deaths, dawn, dusk — spaces of transition, of the in-between. and there’s something so precious about these spaces, something about their neither here nor there that breathes freedoms and possibility..
i think that’s one of the romantic aspects of traveling — the actual act of travel, of moving from place to another. it’s almost like a disruption of time and space, creating a place that allows us to exist beyond expectation.
i’m a pisces moon, so i loveeee dreamy introspection, and there’s nothing quite like being out of service or on a plane and forced to enter airplane mode.. there’s a presence that comes with forced detachment, an untethering from external elements we self-identify with.. a liberation that is both exciting and terrifying..
speaking of terrifying, i’ve been trying to create more space between me and my phone (further inspired by yet another podcast episode – Sensuality of Solitude with Jordi) and boi, do i feel ungrounded without my phone.. especially considering the large swaths of time i spend in isolation/solitude. it’s come to represent my connection to the world, my escape, my distractions, my engagements, my friends, family, peers, teachers, mentors.. all wrapped up in this one motherfucking device.. even my clock, timer, music, menstrual tracker, horoscope, meditations, eetccccc.
the level of dependence is staggering.. like wow, these motherfuckers got me just like everyone else.. so, i’m starting with small steps and being more intentional. because i’m not one to shock the system (at least not in this iteration of me).
anyways, 30 minutes of putting thoughts into words has tuckered me out.. thanks for taking this short walk with me. much love ❤
becki's a practicing human 