shivers of sadness, a practice in emobdiment

the sadness concentrates in certain parts of my body.. behind my eyes, tingles throughout my chest into my underarm. it comes in waves, in shivers..

it seems these days that whenever i pause, find some sense of stillness, the sadness comes pouring into my being. a deep, deep sadness. and a deep fear of life and loss..

there was a period in my life when my seriousness (hello, capricorn energy) was the dominant facet of my being. and when i was feeling defensive about this, i’d say, “ya, well, i take life very seriously.”

since then, i would like to believe i’ve found some levity, but the sentiment remains.. life carries a lot of weight for me (more cap energy).. on a daily basis i feel the fragility, the gratitude, and the fear of being human.

it makes sense to me that we’re all wired for different purposes and service, and from i can tell, the practice of looking life square in the face with all its complexities, atrocities, and beauties feels like something i’m called to do, to hold space for.

and it devastates me on a daily basis. it’s so humbling and heartbreaking. so much joy and so much pain. it tears me apart, and i practice putting myself back together.

the shivers moves lower into my body, to my legs. the sensual recognition of something to lose, something to gain.

my sadness brings me back to my childhood self who was so frequently lonely, tormented, confused.. and so i am familiar with this energy, but now i have tools, can find a bit more grounding in such un-grounding territory..

a center of energy reverberates out from my chest. the sadness is a challenge and an invitation. to open up even in the midst of total despair. to give it space, let it breathe, tell it that it too is worthy of recognition.

for so long, i’ve held space for my sadness only when it demands it, when saying no is harder than saying yes.. when the sadness envelopes me, and i become lost in it..

i don’t feel lost in the sadness now.. i feel present in it. i’m learning how to be a companion to my body as she feels.. learning that the fear of my emotions has often given them undue power..

❤ ❤ ❤

and so we continue on, putting one foot in front of the other, reminding ourselves that with each breath, we die and are reborn into the present.. and that it is only in this moment that salvation truly lives..

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