i’m it

with every passing year, day, month,
the questions gather on my tongue
and on my heart.
questions which i reckon
i may never have the answer to.
the Death card stares me down,
asking for confrontation
by its mere existence.
and i feel tethered
to the many ways in which
i feel like the most human.
my uncertainty, my fear,
my unfathomable curiosity.
they eat away at me,
a slow descent
into a space of existence
that although terrifying
feels more real than anything around me.

time wasted on worrying.
worrying that i was not adding up,
that i never would.
worrying that i’ve always done this wrong.
and yet,
with each deeper scrutiny
of investigation,
as i look around at the others,
sharing space and memories,
i struggle to find a role model
that quite fits.

and i realize i’m it.
i am the best i can do
for guidance.
i am the question and the answer.

the tally marks gather
at the end of my bed
as i keep track
of all the mornings i wake up
with nothing in my head.

i am empty.
i am full.
i am lost in a sea
of uncertainty.

there are no words i can find
to express the pain and relief
of never knowing,
of always questioning,
of living into
those things
which i may never understand.