i’ve been doing things that terrify me

i’ve been doing things that terrify me. i guess you would call this trying — showing up for life with a fullness i’ve only glimpsed a handful of times in my adult life. and this time feels.. different.

i can sense an energy in the air, an enthusiasm, an excitement. something that feels bigger than me — astrological, spiritual, ancestral.

and as i navigate this territory of showing up in a fullness that scares the shit out of me, i can’t help but give credit to my ancestors. to my woman ancestors specifically. partially because this gives me distance from my own sense of achievement, making me feel a bit safer to believe it’s not just me.

but also because that’s what it feels like. it feels like the women of my past have my back, are nudging me forward.

i had an experience writing yesterday that felt so much bigger than myself. it felt like words offered to me from afar.

words whispered, familiar and large. and as i followed them, i felt their power fill my chest and release from me.

i’m not typically one for grandeur, because the higher you go, the further you can fall. and in a cliched way, success feels much more threatening than failure.

so my choice to not try, to not commit myself fully to this existence (at least not in recent history) has been protective. it places a bubble around me that keeps the world at a safe distance and turns the volume down on all of it, especially my soul.

but in this moment, i’m excited, hopeful even. i feel fresh, born anew. (god i feel cheesy) i feel like life has potential again. that maybe i do have something to offer the world.

the other side of this coin is fear. waiting for the other shoe to drop. waiting for depression to find me and wrap its talons around me once again and drown me under its dark waters.

and yet, this fullness of my heart, i love it. i’ve always wanted to allow my heart to feel as deeply and fully as it craves. the last time i remember feeling this fully was childhood, when limitations and judgements and fears of failure had yet to enter my consciousness. and now, i feel her emerging, ready to see what comes next.

but what if i disappoint her? what if this is another false start? what if this high is just that – a high.

i so desperately want it to be a turning point, but here’s the thing: the last time i felt this hopeful, this full of life, i was dumped, broken up with. that was 7 months ago, and my heart has felt heavy ever since.

and so i am weary of optimism. of believing that maybe life truly could be something. and unfortunately i have the life experiences to validate my concerns.

but fuck, for tonight, i feel good. i feel content. i feel happy.

wow. just wow.

i’m used to big feelings of sadness. but big feelings of happiness.. these are so oddly intimidating. how does one navigate this? i carry the fear that allowing myself to feel it in its fullness is like testing the universe.

so i carry it humbly, softly, tenderly. it feels like a dream come true to believe in myself, even if for just a day. to feel the tears welling behind my eyes not due to despair or devastation but out of love and appreciation for this messy human experience.

so i guess i’ll just sit with it. like a sleeping cat curled up on my lap, petting it timidly so that it doesn’t get startled and run away.

and although i fear reflecting upon this entry and feeling like a fool, there’s the irony that i never reflect upon my depressive pieces and point to how wrong i got it then.

so maybe i should enjoy this phase on the wheel of fortune. appreciate the grace that’s been offered to me. and carry gratitude for all the women who came before me, who sacrificed so much so that i could sit here and tap away on my computer musing my thoughts.

in this moment, i do feel like my ancestors’ dream come true. (the type of thing i typically roll my eyes at) or to be more precise, i feel like i’ve at least gotten one step closer to fulfilling them.

so i don’t know, i guess i’m just grateful.

a grateful cheeseball.

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