craving change without form

what happens when you pull on a thread of truth until it comes to its natural end? when you reach that point of clarity, understanding, definitive conclusion.

is it relieving? to finally know which way is the way. is that what we really want anyway?

i sit here toying with the numerous strings of thought unraveling in my consciousness — dreams of a place of my own, a space of complete solitude i have been craving since childhood.

i think about motherhood, an unnatural fate that’s never quite called to me but becomes a bit more alluring with each reminder of my aging.

i think of a partner, someone to settle down with, to share my life with.

i think of community, precious, precious community. intentional living. organizing. creating real change. building something new yet old.

i am sad and i am frustrated and i am desperate.

i am uncertain and it creates an ache within me. especially when i realize none of this will be settled soon. or at least not soon enough.

life feels as though it’s unfurling out ahead of me, and at times i have a sense of where i might be headed, and at others i feel totally lost, like i’ve fallen into a reality unknown and untethered.

i am so terribly lost. i have no fucking idea what to do next.

do i move towards the career? or do i pursue the dream? do i commit to forever working harder and harder? do i move towards family, friends, the people i consider home? do i make it work with the lover? do i make love with the partner?

i really have no idea how people do this, this life thing. it’s a total mindfuck. to choose one from the other. to believe in anything for more than a day or a week.

the certainty feels so certain in the moment. but once it’s gone, i’m left out here with the winds and the whispers, the uncertainties and the doubts. and i think, i wonder if it’d be kind of nice to have this decided for me.

what a thing, to take this one precious life for granted. but sometimes i know no other way to do it. i don’t know how to carry the weight of it, to make my ancestors proud, to move with intention. sometimes i don’t even know my intention. or my desires for that matter.

i am lost and i don’t know if i want to be found.

i wonder if it’ll always be like this — me wandering through life, wondering where all the time has gone.

am i doing this all wrong? or am i just here? i can’t tell if i’m messy because i’m bad at this or because i’m as human as i ought to be.

where was the course in this in school?

will it ever stop being so hard?