sometimes when i sit down to write, so certain that the words are on the tip of my fingers, convinced that i’m in an inspired state, i open the computer, and it’s like that fire burning inside me immediately ceases.
that’s how i feel in this moment, uncertain as to how to proceed, as to what shape this will take.
and so when i am here, i simply move forward, putting one metaphorical foot in front of the other to see where it leads me.
i did a tarot pull this morning that was gnarly, that had my number, for sure.
first, i want to name the state i was in when i woke up, which was totally and completely drained. upon sitting with it, i could feel my need for release. to release all the sadness that’s built up inside me, mostly due to external realities (war, famine, children dying, environmental collapse).
and i was reminded that i do not know how to do this, to release. it’s a practice i tried to hone during the winter, when i was seriously struggling, and i simply couldn’t work it out.
i guess i’ve trained myself to hold on, to push down so well, that even now, as i grow into relating to my emotions differently, the pattern subsists.
i want to speak to the tarot cards, though, because that’s what’s really captivated me this morning.
the first card is The Tower. this is a card of destruction, which, if you look at it, is pretty freaking rough visually. i mean, you have someone who’s been speared on the rocks below and someone mid-falling to their death.. (it’s a bit reminiscent of images of 9/11, no?)
it’s not exactly a card that sparks joy, but it does have a purpose.
as Cassandra Snow points out, “the Tower only brings down the things in our lives built on a shaky foundation.”
so although it is about destruction, it is specifically about those things that no longer serve us (or maybe never have).
considering her perspective is on Queering the Tarot, it’s not shocking that this “destruction” often relates to someone coming out, whether as queer, poly, non-binary, asexual, etc. (leaving their less authentic identity behind)
in essence, it’s about freeing up space to live into our truths.
and boy, do i need that. i’ve recently been thinking about getting a haircut to appear more queer, because i want to allow myself to explore this part of my identity. but it’s also fucking scary.
not appearing visually attractive to straight men in this world is taking a risk, and in certain ways, feels like it can make you a target. i’ve very much moved through the world with the strategy of appeasing anyone who’s powerful/could hurt me.
the second card i pulled is the Ace of Wands. as you’ll find, this is a much more pleasant card in its aesthetic. the wands, connected to the element of fire, may be my favorite suit, because it’s often about passion (fire, duh). so being a romantic, i’m all about it.
i pulled the Ace of Wands in response to the question of, how do i live into my truths?
according to Cassandra Snow, this is about following the spark, the things that get us turned on.
which is an interesting antidote to such a bleak card (the Tower), and yet makes total sense. when we come to that place where we’re finally read to let go of our old ways in exchange for new, more authentic ones, what else should be our guide than that which excites us, that which makes us feel alive?
the strangest part about this advice is, i’m not so sure i know what brings me to life. i have ideas, i have tastes, but i don’t have clarity.
i’m reminded that often times, when we’re being given instructions, it’s less so about following something to a tee, and more so about opening ourselves up to the truth/essence of it.
say you’ve received the message to be more grateful. if you’re like me, you want to take this literally, to make it tangible, so maybe you start a practice of writing things down that you’re grateful for. and then maybe, eventually, you’re just going through the motions — your gratitude list becomes another task for the day.
this is often my response to a message — i try to make it to fit into a box.
i tend to be much better off when i allow myself to be in relationship with the essence of a message, to allow it to blossom however it wants within me.
so as far as following my passions, following my pussy, following what makes me feel alive, i want to remind myself that whatever i land on today is not set in stone. that passion is a pathway that will lead me many different directions.
it is not a map, it is a compass. (gonna be real, i love this metaphor)
and honestly, i take comfort in this message and framework: to be guided by that which turns me on to life, and to allow it to be flexible, adaptable, responsive.
because for so much (so, so much) of my life, following my internal fire has not been a given. (and if anything, has often been vilified)
so ya, in the end, it’s all a practice…
so cheers to that ❤