i have a lot on my mind and yet not much to say. i’ve given myself permission to keep this post short, so we’ll see how that goes.
i woke up around 5 AM this morning, which is not uncommon when i’m feeling anxious.
if i’m being honest with myself, i’ve been anxious all this week. anxious from the perspective of feeling responsible, holding myself to expectations, which can put me on edge.
my sleep has been generally restless this past week, something i’ve told myself i’ll get a hang on somehow.
there are many things on my mind, but the one at the top of the list is poly anxiety — as a poly baby, i really have no idea what i’m doing. i’m trying to work out when to tell my other lovers about a potential new lover.
this whole transparency thing in the face of blossoming potential is a weird time. cause i’m also not trying to make the call too early (or jinx myself) — it’s our first semi-date thing, and who knows how it’ll go. i don’t really want to make it into a thing if it doesn’t pan out, you know?
but i also want to be ethical, or more accurately, not sketchy. i don’t want to be perceived as withholding.
so ya, all around, i feel rather uncertain.
i also have nervous belly, a mixture of drinking coffee on an empty stomach and my general unease.
i was journaling this morning about the parts of myself that have been exiled, sent to the figurative basement within myself to reside: my romantic parts, my poetic parts, my queer parts, my poly parts — all sent away because i didn’t know how to make them fit, because according to others, they were “weak” or “bad” or “extra” or whatever.
i am learning how to show up more fully as myself, and although it is exciting, maybe more than anything, it’s scary. i mean, there’s a reason parts of myself have been pushed away, denied — i did what i felt i needed to survive.
i guess these days, i have more confidence to hold my own in the face of opposition.
or maybe i’m just tired. tired of denying myself my various truths. you know, one of those situations where not changing becomes more uncomfortable than the pangs of doing so.
so ya, lots of anxiety. lots of uncertainty. lots of fear. lotssss of nervous belly.
that may be all i have for now, all i have to offer. and i think i’m okay with that. i’m learning how to accept enough as enough.
so much learning.. makes me wonder what i knew before. makes me think of that old addage, you gotta know the rules in order to break them. i guess i was learning the rules. and now i’m learning how to break them. or, i don’t know, something along those lines.
okay, i’m losing momentum and direction.
i hope you all are well. happy friday. may we each find at least one moment of playfulness today, whether with oureslves, another, a furry friend, the grass (curling your toes in the grass, maybe? eh, might still be too cold for that).
may we all remember our truest nature, as divine creatures cut directly from the cloth of Source.
love y’all ❤ ❤ ❤