loving reminder to self: be careful with who you learn from

i am.. emotionally exhausted. wiped out. physically drained. mildly depressed.

i actually slept last night, which i’m grateful for. but it still wasn’t enough to recover me from all that i moved through yesterday.

i had a day yesterday, to say the least. i moved through hard emotions, held space for others’ hard emotions, and was left feeling depleted, uncertain, sad — deeply, deeply sad.

in response to this state, i decided to watch a movie one of my boos had suggested to me multiple times as something he thought i’d vibed with — Portrait of a Lady on Fire.

what a fucking lovely movie. i feel in love and then had my heart broken. it was delicious, and exactly what i needed.

it reminded me that having my heart broken is so much better than feeling nothing at all.

and so i cried. i cried before the movie, i cried during the movie, and i cried after, as i went on an evening stroll, uncertain as to what to do with myself.

coming off my week of experimenting “routine,” i’m reminded of the ways i need to be careful when taking pointers from privileged straight white dudes. i need to remember what to take and what to leave, what parts of myself to allow to be shaped and which ones i need to protect against a culture of hyper-logic and rigidity.

i was confronted with straightness in a person following all this emotional purging, and it revealed to me how not straight i am, and the damage straightness has done to me (and those i love) as i’ve tried to adapt to it, make myself fit into its box. it brought to the forefront all that i’ve been working to leave behind, to unlearn and untangle within myself.

i want to be clear that i’m not suggesting an all or nothing mentality that says you can’t hold onto passion and emotionality while creating structure and routine. but personally, this is often where i go. this is what happened to me last time around, when i attempted something similar. it’s a reminder to move with intention and awareness.

and to stay aligned with why i want routine, which is to ultimately create more space for my passions to breathe, live, grow and expand.

reading the perspectives of white dudes is precarious for me. and it’s a perspective i’m quite familiar with. i find it to be lacking in heart, in that soft ooey goodness i deeply crave, and need.

(note: i’m speaking to a culture, and therefore in generalities, and also to my experiences specifically. i’m not trying to project onto anyone that which doesn’t feel true to them.)

i have been around this culture, tried to adapt to it long enough that i know it well — its nooks and crannies, its ways, and definitely its shortcomings.

i pretty much tried to shape myself into a tim ferriss devotee a few years ago, and it was detrimental to my mental health.

so i’m reminded to be cautious with who i learn from. and to balance out “rational” works with other sources — ones that connect me with my deep emotionality, that nurture those parts of me lovingly, the ones i’ve fought so hard to reclaim and retain.

anyways, i’m tired and don’t have much else to say. or at least i’d be forcing it if i continued on, and i don’t have the capacity to even try.

none of this is meant to put anyone down, more so to raise concerns over what’s missed in certain spheres.

and to remind myself of the ways it can be harmful to me.

it’s always the integration that’s the hardest, huh? trying to find a way to let all of this pieces coexist, and ideally fit together like tetris.

i offer myself the loving reminder that i am forever learning and growing. and that this process is spiralic, so that even when it seems like i’m going backwards, i’m actually moving forwards.

anyway, happy saturday, and i love y’all.
thank you for being here, for reading my words, for being with me across space and time. it means more than i can express ❤ ❤ ❤

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