i am continuing to learn how to show up for myself. to a better friend, a better lover, a better parent to me.
i am learning to show myself love, which continues to evolve my understanding of the numerous forms love can take.
i am learning how to integrate routine into my concept of love. because so often i’ve used routine to feed my perfectionism, and in-turn my sense of never being good enough.
i am learning how to forgive myself and how to trust myself.
i am walking the path of unlearning so many harmful narratives that have been infused in me, and the more i remove, the more i realize how immensely weighed down i am by them. such as what a “real adult” looks/acts like.
my therapist has offered me a new practice for when i’m falling into shame or feeling “bad” (my inner child experience of it). she asks:
“who decided that? who decided that *insert behavior* was bad?”
recently, this has been related to my desires for casual sex and my practices around cannabis, which i’m expanding to treat the plant more and more like the medicine it is.
there are so many things, cannabis and sex to name a couple, that, as i become more aligned with myself, i realize are actually sacred practices for me.
which is ironic, because both of these practices have been historically villainized and denigrated in my life. so i am working to reclaim them as spiritual in nature.
(i refer to myself as a “recovering christian” these days, lol.)
in that same conversation, she later asked me,
“do you feel like you can trust yourself?”
which was a rather poignant question considering so much of my reclamation work revolves around believing i can trust myself, that it’s safe to trust myself, even necessary.
i am learning how to practice rigorous self-honesty, so that even when i’m doing a behavior that i associate with “bad,” i can stay present for it, engage with why i’m doing it, what i’m gaining from it, and what i might be compromising.
the practice of abandonment, of detaching from our bodies, feels so common these days, i wonder how many of us really recognize when we’re doing it. i can feel fired up in empowerment when i’m home alone, and then once i step into the world, i find myself falling into autopilot around the same defenses i’ve been using for decades.
and of course, this isn’t all bad — it’s appropriate to move from a place of self-protection in a world that is not inherently safe, especially the more marginalized your identity.
but i wonder what would happen if i learned to reach for a more expansive form of protection, if i could practice being open without being recklessly vulnerable…
i’m going to write a Medium piece on somatics soon, because i truly believe healing comes through the body.
to paraphrase Prentis Hemphill, “when you feel better, that is happening in your body.” so if our desire is to shift how we feel and relate to the world, it ultimately necessitates an embodied experience.
anyways, y’all, speaking of bodies, mine is asking me to eat something. so i’m going to cut it off here.
…
much love, happy friday.
the mantra sticking with me today comes via Ram Dass: “i am loving awareness.” may we speak it into our hearts and see what blooms in its place.
❤ ❤ ❤
becki's a practicing human 