i really did not want to show up to the page today, reluctant to do something that, in this moment, feels pointless.
i mean, who am i even doing this for when oftentimes it seem as though no one but me will truly engage with these words?
and yet, that is the exact reason to show up to the page, for myself. and when i’m being honest and “mature,” i recognize showing up to the page when i feel like this is probably exactly what i need.
like exercising when you’re feeling down.. it may be the least appealing option while also the antidote.
my sleep has been wonky for weeks now — i either wake up too early in an anxious state or sleep too late and wake up dazed.. not my favorite options to choose from.
i also have a friend having surgery today, and that’s sitting heavy on my heart (which until this moment, i didn’t realize..). i feel a lot of responsibility (maybe it’s all the Capricorn in me) towards the people that i love and the world in general.. which can often feel burdensome, as though someone is thrusting it on me versus me choosing to take it on..
i often navigate from a place of lacking agency, feeling obligated to do and be whatever people want from me, which unsurprisingly leads me down a road of resentment and burnout.
i often have this sense that because someone should do “it” (whatever “it” may be), it should be me. without allowing the pause to consider my capacity in any given moment.
i’m coming into deeper appreciation for the pause. even if it’s just for a breath.
to put it simply and concisely, quoting my friend who’s having surgery:
which is so obvious it may seem reductive, but its simplicity speaks volumes to me — we do what we can. we don’t it all.. we do what we have the capacity for.
(capacity has def become my new buzzword lol)
guilt is so powerful in me, it’s nearly impossible to override at times.. my heart is moved easily by suffering, so i often scramble to do what i can to help.. which is at least partially motivated by avoidance — trying to “fix” something instead of allowing to simply be..
in taking action to “help,” it acts as a barrier to having to fully confront the tragedy of the situation, and my helplessness in the face of it.
saying “no” feels often mean, cruel even. especially when you know the person doesn’t have another option..but i have to remind myself that i am not the cause of that person not having another option, that this fact alone does not inherently mean i have to do it..
i have to remind myself constantly that i am not here to play savior to anybody — i am here to be of service, to help in ways that feel aligned and effective..
god, i can get myself so worked up and so burnt out..
i’m also on my period, which means i’m functioning with limited physical capacity. my body is literally depleted, and honoring that truth can be hard in moments when i feel like i should be doing “more”..
i am tired. i am sad. i am worn out.
this life feels hard to hold in this moment..
i woke up to snow covering the ground, spring snow.
which serves as a reminder that even when we’re in phases of growth and joy and possibility, there will still be days in which frigid awareness creeps in, in which we are confronted with the hard times we were hoping to be past..
i am reminded that being lost and found is a cyclical process, and that both experiences are equally vital.. but of course, it’s sooo much better to find ourselves than to lose ourselves..
my heart aches with awareness of the hardness of life.. but as the CHANI app reminds me,
“When you thoroughly tend to the good as well as the difficult, your mood will most likely lift.”
god, what a worthwhile reminder.. because there is so, so much good. even in this moment, there is still hope, possibility, and Love..
so here’s to thoroughly tending to the good as well as the difficult today.. that we may move in balance, trusting in the validity and necessity of both. remembering that practicing joy is a vital part of making it through all the hard shit in this life.
i love y’all. thanks for being here today. and for practicing with me.
❤ ❤ ❤