i ache with something i cannot name, something inaccessible to me. or something i am inaccessible to.
there is resistance that is chosen and resistance that is second nature.
my body tingles with awareness i cannot form into words. it is a sadness waiting to be heard, to be felt.
it doesn’t feel demanding. or earth-shattering. and yet, i still cannot reach it.
it is a grey day outside.. maybe that’s a solid metaphor for this ache, this pain inside me — it is a grey day.. it is not a storm, there is no thunder or rain, and yet the greyness rests heavy nonetheless..
my stomach aches lightly, mirroring my intangible emotions. sometimes it feels like these days are the hardest, the ones that are neither here nor there. the ones that don’t come with clear instructions on how to cope, what to do.
how does one acknowledge the weight of a grey day without sounding melodramatic?
i am tired. i woke up tired. and when i am tired, similar to when i’m depressed, i convince myself i’m always tired.
i do put a lot of pressure on myself to be perfect, so i imagine that is genuinely exhausting.
i am learning how to not wear my nervous system out, pendulum-ing between anxiety and depression..
…
i am too tired to wrap this up in any sort of coherent way. so i’ll just say this: good luck today ❤
becki's a practicing human 