can i be self-honest without being self-critical? reflections on evolution of self

hey y’all, welcome back. it’s been a while..

i was recently reflecting upon/ruminating over my lack of consistency/follow-through. at my ability to be inspired and to then lose the thread once inspiration dissipates.

i reminded myself of a storytelling open mic i’ve tried to established more than once. or collaborations with friends that only lasted a month. or the somatics certification i got that i have no idea how to apply to my life. or my fleeting consideration to be a death doula. or having a freaking consistent writing schedule.

and so i began reflecting, sitting with the feelings of anxiety and disappointment, the sense that i was an incompetent failure. and a question emerged: can i practice self-honesty without falling into self-criticism? instead of falling into despair over all my perceived shortcomings, could i instead use the self-knowledge to evolve?

so i began evaluating ideas i’ve had that have played out and ones that haven’t. to try and work out what are the throughlines of what works and what doesn’t.

i can’t say that i’ve come to a place of intense clarity yet, beyond an understanding that i need accountability and purpose. i need a reason for doing something, and i need someone holding me to it.

i’ve recently been reconsidering human design, and my designation as a projector — the idea behind a projector is that they can’t create energy themselves. instead, they help guide the energy others create. the idea behind this nature is that you “wait to be invited” as opposed to imposing yourself on others.

maybe that explains something about the role that i’m supposed to play in the development and fruition of ideas.

but of course, this raises more questions than answers… i don’t want to think of myself as a person who doesn’t follow through, as someone with great ideas that never goes anywhere with them.

so i’m left at a standstill, trying to work out what i’ve been getting wrong. and where to go from here.

i don’t believe some people are just inherently incompetent. i believe, as diverse beings, we all need different resources and environments to succeed. i’ve recently been craving community and a mentor (to be fair, i’ve been craving these for a while, but i’ve revisited them with increased intensity during some soul-searching).

i need education, i need guidance. i don’t know how to create it myself, how to do it myself. and i guess part of this honesty process is accepting that that’s okay. that in this fiercely individualistic and entrepreneurial society, i don’t need to “prove” myself by doing it on my own.

and i guess that’s why the projector framework brings me comfort. instead of it being some lacking on my end, some lack of discipline, it becomes about my nature. it’s not a framework of “i suck,” but “i’ve been going about this the wrong way.”

so what are the conditions that will allow me to live out my purpose, to utilize my unique gifts in the name of the collective good? this is the question that’s been haunting me. and the more i strive for it, the more lost i become.

so instead, i follow the breadcrumbs of what interests me. i read/listen to the people who call to me. i take notes. i try to participate in my own education. i do tarot.

and yet, the confusion and anxiety remain. despite distractions or temporary balms.

i think about how this purpose-seeking is one of the greatest acts of faith i’ve experienced — to continue to hope, to believe. in spite of no (easily discernible) evidence in its favor. to trust in the process.

i’ve been coming to terms more and more recently the role doubt plays in faith. learning to understand that having doubts is not a sign of a lacking faith but of a healthy one. this relationship i have with Spirit is a living, breathing thing, so therefore fluctuations are natural.

but fuck does it hurt sometimes, those crushing thoughts and feelings of not being good enough, the fear of never being good enough. it’s enough to devour you, to keep you from ever even trying.

on an semi-unrelated note, here’s an image that’s been inspiring me recently:

two concentric circles -- one reads "discipline," the other "surrender." they overlap, which reads "flow"

much love y’all ❤

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