i’m doing something that feels borderline reckless — i’m telling people how i feel. well, to be more accurate, i’m sharing my long-standing resentments with people.
it’s been a year of reckoning, you could say. a year in which, for seemingly the first time, i felt the depths of anger that’s been stirring inside me for years. from my relationship with my mom to old friendships, i’ve been coming to terms with the ways i’ve been deeply hurt and disappointed.
i’m attempting to speak truth to power. but inevitably, i’m in-turn being held accountable for my deep failings, my inability to name my hurt earlier.
many of the wounds that i’m seemingly naming for the first time have been festering for years, even decades. i have repressed, repressed, repressed until i could no longer pretend. and instead of trying to fix, i accuse. i realize now in writing this how problematic my approach has been, how lacking in accountability.
but that’s not true either.. i’m understanding how blinding my pain is to my responsibility in all of this. i remember that i’m the one ultimately responsible for how i feel.
i am the reason it’s gotten to this breaking point, that the only plan of action i can manage is breaking off the relationship. it’s a problem, i can see this. i am moving very imperfectly through this, and i can tell i’m moving towards seeing the errors of my ways. seeing the ways i have not clearly named my needs or negotiated them in relationship. because that would’ve been too vulnerable..
and to add nuance, because there is always nuance, for many of these people, i have named them. it is the disappointment that comes after naming a hurt and not feeling like it’s being met that i am in avoidance of. it is a lack of trust.
i don’t pretend to act like i’m in the right here, but i’m at a point where i have to name things wildly imperfectly; otherwise, i would not name them at at all. i would be paralyzed in perfectionism.
and so now, i must cope with the inevitable guilt. the guilt of convincing myself people don’t care, won’t show up. for the ways i’ve discounted those i love most. so ya, i’ve kept these pains to myself, and they’ve blinded me to seeing anything beyond them.
it’s tragic, and it sucks. i’d like to say i hope i learn something, but there’s no way i won’t. i hope i don’t cause unnecessary hurt in the process. i hope i’m able to find grace for myself and others ❤