feeling it out — “intuition saved my life”

i honestly have no idea what i’m doing with this blog, if anything. i’ve lost purpose, direction, intention.

it’s 6 months or so till i decide if i’ll renew. and why? does anything placed here feel so precious that i should pay for it to not be lost? i don’t think so.. but then again, i’m quite sentimental. so who knows.

for now, i’ll continue to follow what feels true, which is that i do not need to force whatever this is or isn’t. i don’t need to take so seriously the endeavor of starting something and therefore needing to keep it up. some things stick and some things don’t.

i feel exhausted by forcing life, by trying to solve life.

this life is a contraction and an expansion. it’s a breathing in and breathing out. i wonder if i’ll ever learn to not be in resistance? or maybe it’d be more apt to say that i hope i’m always practicing.

i get kind of resentful when people say that happiness is not something bought, that joy is something to be found in the now. as someone who grew up in scarcity, who understands (on a rudimentary level) what happens in your body when you experience trauma, it seems reductionist and often victim blaming to tell people they’re responsible for their happiness, no matter their circumstances.

but i remember that spiritual principles and material reality don’t always line up in a neat parallel. and there’s also science behind the idea that our brains create our reality. i guess my fear in making everyone’s well-being their business is that this is an extension of american individualism and an excuse to ignore everyone’s responsibility towards the collective.

anyways,

it really is nice to have a place to muse. i don’t have many.. i feel self-conscious when i do it in conversation with others, because i feel like i’m “rambling.”

and doing it in my head doesn’t quite satisfy the processing that writing allows.

.

i got rejected from a writing publication recently. one of my partners suggested for me to submit since the editor is one of his besties.

i think the hard part is i didn’t really entertain rejection as even a possibility. so when it happened i was caught hella off guard.

and in messy ass me form, i took my embarrassment, my shame, my lack of worthiness out on my partner.. how unfortunate.

this process of learning is consistently messier than i’d like. and more than anything, i don’t want to be the person who takes my pain out on others. and so we practice.

speaking of practice,

i’ve been practicing meditation. 5 minutes at a time, which i feel wholly satisfied with at the moment.

when i first started meditating, i was sober, in AA, and determined to “fix” myself.

ready to jump from beginner to enlightened, i’d attempt meditating 20 to 30 minutes right off the bat.

and for me, this was way too much. or maybe it was more so that i just wasn’t aligned with my intention. i wasn’t doing it from a place of curiosity but perfectionism.

that was back in 2018.

since then, i’ve had multiple iterations of trying meditation, almost always from the perspective of trying to improve myself as a human.

this time around, i’m really just curious. the idea of a pause like that to explore, to feel into my self, to seek some sort of stillness that isn’t passivity per se.

it makes me think of working out, which is relatively new in my life as well. i heard Jessamyn Stanley say about working out that if it’s not fun, she’s not doing it.

i don’t have much interest in forcing myself to do anything. because when i do that, i grow to hate the thing.

i’ve been jogging in the morning (it’s winter in idaho, y’all), and i haven’t been doing it to improve myself but because it’s fun and energizes and empowers me.

i’m not meditating to master my mind but out of curiosity. i love exploration, and my internal being feels like an endless land to trek. (i also wanna learn to fear myself less — my fleeting thoughts, feelings sensations.)

alright y’all, i’m gonna wrap this up.

long story short: i have no idea what i’m doing, but i felt better by the end of this.

love y’all.

❤ ❤ ❤

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