¿why is stepping into our truths so f***ing scary?

this is the question stirring my soul as i sit with The World in reverse.

The World is the final card of the major arcana of the tarot. it is the place you end up at the end of a long journey that begins with you as a fool, naive to all that the world is gonna throw you way.

as you emerge from this journey, you re-enter the world, better off for it: more whole, more mature, more aware, and wiser.

pulling this card reversed indicates there is tension at play, resistance to stepping into the world as a truer version of ourselves.

the journey of the major arcana from The Fool to The World is one we’ll make many times in life. it is a cycle that ultimately brings us closer and closer to ourselves, to a more concentrated sense of purpose during our time here.

the calling of this card, to take what i’ve learned and apply it to my external experiences, scares the shit out of me.

there are many things i can write about with confidence to strangers that i fail to articulate to some of the closest people in my life, such as being poly, queer, a cannabis lover and advocate, a writer, a poet, a dreamer, a romantic.

i learned early on in life to protect myself from the judgment of others through learning how to adapt my external-presenting identity to whoever’s company i was in.. i could be the cool girl, the good girl, the smart girl, the funny girl, the articulate girl — whatever the situation called for, i’d put on my mask and perform away.

allowing my truth to shine outwards means coming to terms with people’s discomfort and resistance to it, because people are often off-put by someone bringing their full humanity into a situation.. i know, because i’ve often been on the other side of this — sooo threatened by the person who doesn’t shy away from who showing up fully.

grappling with this, i’m reminded of a phrase offered to me by a woman in a 12-step program, “it doesn’t all need to happen today.”

i take solace in knowing that authenticity is a process. it can be incremental, done in small doses so as to not overwhelm, to not terrify my inner child who feels like being more honest around others could destroy us..
there are lots of small choices that make up this big experience of life, and it is in these small moments that i’m being called to move the dial..

i am learning and i am open, and i am leaning on my spiritual allies to guide and hold me through it… i’m sure i have many queer ancestors who did not have the ability to live their truth, to reveal the fullness of themselves, and so i move forward with a sense of redemption and reclamation in their honor.

“may you be a force of resistance and revolution where you go,” is a phrase that evolved from a comment made by ashe phoenix about how if we want to live in a queer-friendly, weed-friendly world, we need to bring that energy with us everywhere we go. because in-turn, we give others permission and inspiration to do the same.

so ya, being authentic in a world that does not want me to be is freaking terrifying. i’ve avoided it for so long, convinced it may kill me. because let’s be real, it could. being a threat to the status quo is inherently a threatening place to be..

but the thing about The World card is it’s not about just showing up alone in your truth — it’s allowing this to be a catalyst and a compass to help us better find our people, our community.
resistance is not a simply solo experience — it’s about the ways our internal revolution translates externally…

so that’s what i got for now.

as far as a public offering, this is what i’m practicing today:
– may i be present in moments when i am being called to show up more fully as myself.
– may i recognize that no moment is too small to be a truer version of me.
– may i remember this will not happen in a day, but that every day is an opportunity to practice.
– maybe i also honor the truths of others — that in creating more space for myself, i can in-turn create more space for others to show up fully, honestly, and authentically.

much love, happy monday, and good luck 🙂

❤ ❤ ❤

tarot talk – the call to destroy in order to rebuild from authenticity

sometimes when i sit down to write, so certain that the words are on the tip of my fingers, convinced that i’m in an inspired state, i open the computer, and it’s like that fire burning inside me immediately ceases.

that’s how i feel in this moment, uncertain as to how to proceed, as to what shape this will take.

and so when i am here, i simply move forward, putting one metaphorical foot in front of the other to see where it leads me.

i did a tarot pull this morning that was gnarly, that had my number, for sure.

first, i want to name the state i was in when i woke up, which was totally and completely drained. upon sitting with it, i could feel my need for release. to release all the sadness that’s built up inside me, mostly due to external realities (war, famine, children dying, environmental collapse).

and i was reminded that i do not know how to do this, to release. it’s a practice i tried to hone during the winter, when i was seriously struggling, and i simply couldn’t work it out.

i guess i’ve trained myself to hold on, to push down so well, that even now, as i grow into relating to my emotions differently, the pattern subsists.

i want to speak to the tarot cards, though, because that’s what’s really captivated me this morning.

the first card is The Tower. this is a card of destruction, which, if you look at it, is pretty freaking rough visually. i mean, you have someone who’s been speared on the rocks below and someone mid-falling to their death.. (it’s a bit reminiscent of images of 9/11, no?)

it’s not exactly a card that sparks joy, but it does have a purpose.

as Cassandra Snow points out, “the Tower only brings down the things in our lives built on a shaky foundation.”

so although it is about destruction, it is specifically about those things that no longer serve us (or maybe never have).

considering her perspective is on Queering the Tarot, it’s not shocking that this “destruction” often relates to someone coming out, whether as queer, poly, non-binary, asexual, etc. (leaving their less authentic identity behind)

in essence, it’s about freeing up space to live into our truths.

and boy, do i need that. i’ve recently been thinking about getting a haircut to appear more queer, because i want to allow myself to explore this part of my identity. but it’s also fucking scary.
not appearing visually attractive to straight men in this world is taking a risk, and in certain ways, feels like it can make you a target. i’ve very much moved through the world with the strategy of appeasing anyone who’s powerful/could hurt me.

the second card i pulled is the Ace of Wands. as you’ll find, this is a much more pleasant card in its aesthetic. the wands, connected to the element of fire, may be my favorite suit, because it’s often about passion (fire, duh). so being a romantic, i’m all about it.

i pulled the Ace of Wands in response to the question of, how do i live into my truths?

according to Cassandra Snow, this is about following the spark, the things that get us turned on.

which is an interesting antidote to such a bleak card (the Tower), and yet makes total sense. when we come to that place where we’re finally read to let go of our old ways in exchange for new, more authentic ones, what else should be our guide than that which excites us, that which makes us feel alive?

the strangest part about this advice is, i’m not so sure i know what brings me to life. i have ideas, i have tastes, but i don’t have clarity.

i’m reminded that often times, when we’re being given instructions, it’s less so about following something to a tee, and more so about opening ourselves up to the truth/essence of it.

say you’ve received the message to be more grateful. if you’re like me, you want to take this literally, to make it tangible, so maybe you start a practice of writing things down that you’re grateful for. and then maybe, eventually, you’re just going through the motions — your gratitude list becomes another task for the day.

this is often my response to a message — i try to make it to fit into a box.

i tend to be much better off when i allow myself to be in relationship with the essence of a message, to allow it to blossom however it wants within me.

so as far as following my passions, following my pussy, following what makes me feel alive, i want to remind myself that whatever i land on today is not set in stone. that passion is a pathway that will lead me many different directions.
it is not a map, it is a compass. (gonna be real, i love this metaphor)

and honestly, i take comfort in this message and framework: to be guided by that which turns me on to life, and to allow it to be flexible, adaptable, responsive.

because for so much (so, so much) of my life, following my internal fire has not been a given. (and if anything, has often been vilified)

so ya, in the end, it’s all a practice…

so cheers to that ❤


love y’all.