Tag: cassandra snow

fleeting truth & an aching heart

BeckiLeave a comment

“…live your truth, however fleeting or confusing that truth may be.”

Cassandra Snow

what a concept, our personal truth as fleeting.. ever evolving, changing, growing, morphing.

i love this permission, to allow our truths to be passing and even uncertain. because i think it gets at why it is many of us don’t live our truths — we fear people will judge our shifts/changes, perceive them as inauthentic.

(i’m struggling to find words to express how i feel right now, so i’ll include another quote and go from there:)

“This continual ache of the heart is a blessing that when accepted fully can be shared with all.”

Pema Chodron

“continual ache of the heart” — this is an experience i can relate to intimately. i feel it often, and i try to run from it frequently. because when i truly engage with it, i fear it may break me right open, which i guess is the point.

i made a comment to a friend the other day that when i get really honest with an experience, when i dig down into the root of it, i often find that i’m scared. i realize this being scared is at the core of my experience, my main motivator. i can especially see this when i’m in avoidance/distraction mode.

i had a dream last night that i don’t remember beyond confronting the ways in which i never feel “good enough.” this truth has been plaguing me recently as i’ve been taking on more responsibility and in-turn having to confront my capacity and limitations.

i hate “disappointing” people, it feels like failure..

disappointing the people you loved was like the ultimate sin in my family, it was the worst thing my father could say to me, “i’m disappointed in you.” worse than being angry with me.. so i guess it makes since that when it happens (or when i perceive that it’s happening), it cuts me to my core.

spring has been slow moving here with lingering chilly days and freezing temperatures at night. but today, this morning, i look out my window at the green ash in our backyard, and the little birdies are jumping from branch to branch, chirping and living their best spring birdy life.

this brings me joy, reminds me i need to spend more time outside. always ❤

i love y’all and appreciate you for being here with me.

when the time is right, when we feel safe and secure, may we allow our hearts to ache with the gravity of life. even if just for a moment.

happy monday, and good luck ❤

answering to the next 100 years

BeckiLeave a comment

what is the point of all this? this is a question i come back to time and time again, both in relation to daily practices, such as writing, and in relation to my life as a whole.

is there purpose to writing words no one will read?

is there value in this life i’m leading?

the answer has to be yes. because it is the only answer that feels true.

i pulled the Seven of Pentacles this morning, which in the Modern Witch Tarot deck, is a femme standing, staring reflectively at a plant she’s just watered (a watering can rests in her right hand).

this card represents a liminal space, between planting seeds and harvesting their fruit. it is a pause for reflection and eager consideration, questioning what will come of all our hard work and preparation.

this space makes sense for where i am currently — i have adopted certain practices, mostly my morning writing ritual, over the past month or so. and i’m eager to see where they’ll get me, what they’ll evolve into, where they’ll lead me.

and yet, it is not time to harvest — it is time to nurture, to maintain, to trust.

trust is a daily practice, for sure. it is the choice to believe that even in moments when it all feels pointless and frustrating, it’s taking us somewhere.

it’s the reminder that even if we don’t know how far down the road the finish line is, we can trust that it’ll be there. and it’ll ultimately lead us to our next path..

as mentioned in The Creative Tarot, in a culture of instant gratification, waiting can be a hell of a time. and it can make us feel like we’re doing something wrong.

the art of waiting has been lost, and in its place we’ve adopted doubt, insecurity, uncertainty.

making decisions from this place of antsy uncertainty, changing things before they’ve had enough time to blossom and develop, leaves us in a state of perpetual grasping.
we become eager to prove ourselves, guided by the measurements and timelines of the external world. and in-turn, we never find the true satisfaction we’re seeking, through a project/endeavor that’s been given the space to truly evolve and run its course. (and then we don’t get the full fruit of the lesson)

my fear of failure, of wasting my time, of never being good enough, often pushes me to change things before they’ve had a chance to really prove themselves.

even today, i was reconsidering my blogging practice. and logging into WordPress and seeing zero views for almost every day this week is undoubtedly discouraging.

which forces me to get rooted in my purpose. like Cassandra Snow talks about in Queering the Tarot, this card prompts us to take a long view of life. to ask ourselves what seeds we’re planting, not just for the week or the year, but for our lifetime.
she ends with pointing to the responsibility we have to generations that come after us.

this consideration brought to mind Layla F. Saad’s mission to be a “good ancestor.” it also makes me think of an interview between Layla and Leesa Renée Hall, in which Leesa explains that she answers to the next 100 years.

how would our view of ourselves, our accomplishments, and our goals change if we all adopted this framework — answering to the next 100 years, focusing on being a good ancestor?

for one, i imagine, we’d all take ecological collapse much more seriously. and that a lot of us would engage in wholly different work.

to clarify: i’m not telling anyone they need to radically shift their lives in order to be a good person (although if that’s an option, maybe consider it..). but i am saying this long view is worthy of consideration. and in holding it, we can begin to tweak our lives to live more in alignment with the path of those who come after us.

a point that Cassandra Snow makes in Queering the Tarot is that us living our truths paves the way for kids afterwards to live their truths.

so if i want a world in which being queer and poly are choices people can make without fear of ridicule, discrimination, or punishment, i’m called to live my truth in whatever means is available to me.

this perspective calls us to be responsible for the impact our lives have over the long-term. and honestly, i’m here for it. i’m grateful for the reminder, especially after the past week of sitting with the end of the world at the forefront of my mind.

…

as we wait for the seeds we’ve planted to grow and transform, the calling to sit with what we want the seed of our life to grow into is a sacred one.. one that does not revolve around action (at least initially), but alignment.

as we consider who we want to become, we become more aware of the small moments and choices in our daily lives that either move us in alignment or tension with the world we wish to create.

it is a responsibility that is easy to overlook, ignore, forget about.. and all the while, it may be one of the most important ones..

…

well, i’m grateful for showing up, even in moments like this when it all feels rather pointless..

i mean, hey, maybe in a hundred years, a blog like this will be like a historical document.. who knows. i mean, who knows what the internet will be like, or if it’ll even exist..

anyways, love y’all. happy friday! ❤ ❤ ❤

tarot talk – the call to destroy in order to rebuild from authenticity

BeckiLeave a comment

sometimes when i sit down to write, so certain that the words are on the tip of my fingers, convinced that i’m in an inspired state, i open the computer, and it’s like that fire burning inside me immediately ceases.

that’s how i feel in this moment, uncertain as to how to proceed, as to what shape this will take.

and so when i am here, i simply move forward, putting one metaphorical foot in front of the other to see where it leads me.

i did a tarot pull this morning that was gnarly, that had my number, for sure.

first, i want to name the state i was in when i woke up, which was totally and completely drained. upon sitting with it, i could feel my need for release. to release all the sadness that’s built up inside me, mostly due to external realities (war, famine, children dying, environmental collapse).

and i was reminded that i do not know how to do this, to release. it’s a practice i tried to hone during the winter, when i was seriously struggling, and i simply couldn’t work it out.

i guess i’ve trained myself to hold on, to push down so well, that even now, as i grow into relating to my emotions differently, the pattern subsists.

i want to speak to the tarot cards, though, because that’s what’s really captivated me this morning.

the first card is The Tower. this is a card of destruction, which, if you look at it, is pretty freaking rough visually. i mean, you have someone who’s been speared on the rocks below and someone mid-falling to their death.. (it’s a bit reminiscent of images of 9/11, no?)

it’s not exactly a card that sparks joy, but it does have a purpose.

as Cassandra Snow points out, “the Tower only brings down the things in our lives built on a shaky foundation.”

so although it is about destruction, it is specifically about those things that no longer serve us (or maybe never have).

considering her perspective is on Queering the Tarot, it’s not shocking that this “destruction” often relates to someone coming out, whether as queer, poly, non-binary, asexual, etc. (leaving their less authentic identity behind)

in essence, it’s about freeing up space to live into our truths.

and boy, do i need that. i’ve recently been thinking about getting a haircut to appear more queer, because i want to allow myself to explore this part of my identity. but it’s also fucking scary.
not appearing visually attractive to straight men in this world is taking a risk, and in certain ways, feels like it can make you a target. i’ve very much moved through the world with the strategy of appeasing anyone who’s powerful/could hurt me.

the second card i pulled is the Ace of Wands. as you’ll find, this is a much more pleasant card in its aesthetic. the wands, connected to the element of fire, may be my favorite suit, because it’s often about passion (fire, duh). so being a romantic, i’m all about it.

i pulled the Ace of Wands in response to the question of, how do i live into my truths?

according to Cassandra Snow, this is about following the spark, the things that get us turned on.

which is an interesting antidote to such a bleak card (the Tower), and yet makes total sense. when we come to that place where we’re finally read to let go of our old ways in exchange for new, more authentic ones, what else should be our guide than that which excites us, that which makes us feel alive?

the strangest part about this advice is, i’m not so sure i know what brings me to life. i have ideas, i have tastes, but i don’t have clarity.

i’m reminded that often times, when we’re being given instructions, it’s less so about following something to a tee, and more so about opening ourselves up to the truth/essence of it.

say you’ve received the message to be more grateful. if you’re like me, you want to take this literally, to make it tangible, so maybe you start a practice of writing things down that you’re grateful for. and then maybe, eventually, you’re just going through the motions — your gratitude list becomes another task for the day.

this is often my response to a message — i try to make it to fit into a box.

i tend to be much better off when i allow myself to be in relationship with the essence of a message, to allow it to blossom however it wants within me.

so as far as following my passions, following my pussy, following what makes me feel alive, i want to remind myself that whatever i land on today is not set in stone. that passion is a pathway that will lead me many different directions.
it is not a map, it is a compass. (gonna be real, i love this metaphor)

and honestly, i take comfort in this message and framework: to be guided by that which turns me on to life, and to allow it to be flexible, adaptable, responsive.

because for so much (so, so much) of my life, following my internal fire has not been a given. (and if anything, has often been vilified)

so ya, in the end, it’s all a practice…

so cheers to that ❤

p.s.

love y’all.