can we live the questions? can we move through them, or more appropriately, can we allow them to move through us?
there is so much dominating my being right now: doubt, uncertainty, excitement, Love.
i have a strong sense of potential, and in-turn, an intense awareness around my fears of failure.
i’ve lived most of my life sculpting a box around myself — around who i should be, how i should act, what type of person i was. it was protective, for a time, and i’m grateful for it.
but in a cliched way, entering my 30s felt like entering a new plane of existence. i eventually realized i didn’t have to play by the rules presented to me throughout my youth. so the past couple of years has been reckoning with the truth of who i am versus the story i’ve adopted from a place of protection and external acceptance.
this has taken me many places, ones that have deepened my understanding of how unconventional i am.
my lack of desire for a traditional, committed relationship has informed me that i am not monogamous. i honestly don’t think i ever have been, but didn’t have the language or the understanding to come to terms with this.
this space to explore has made it clearer to me that i am also queer. another thing i believe i’ve always been, and yet, for so long, i couldn’t fathom how to integrate it into my identity. plus, i wanted so desperately to be accepted by straight men, and therefore avoided things that would compromise this.
i’ve learned a lot about my sexual preferences over the past few months. as someone with sexual trauma, there are lots of things that don’t currently feel safe or good. but i didn’t know how to give myself permission to accept this, to seek pleasure beyond those acts.
doing so these days is really exciting. i’m finding my kinks, moving towards embracing them. i’m learning how to tell partners what i like, what’s on the table, and what’s very much not.
getting older has also brought with it a sense of responsibility — to myself, to others, to my time on this Earth. i’ve been sitting with how to integrate my various selves into my writing, to create space to honor the collective suffering that seems to always be taking place somewhere on this globe.
i am working towards finding a “niche,” which is really about honing in on what interests me, what turns me on, and the ways i can bring these elements together to write about them.
i’m reminding myself, time and again, that when i speak to life experiences, to keep them personal, to avoid projecting my truth onto others.
i am learning that i have so much Love to give, and the ways i so desperately want to help others heal.
i’m learning how to deconstruct my resentment towards straight men from a lens of compassion. the more i engage with “typical” straight dudes, the more exposed i become to the pain of such intense emotional repression. and the more my heart breaks for them.
i’m trying to practice critiquing behavior from a cultural lens instead of attacking an individual.
i’m working to set down my “hater” card, because although calling out problematic behavior is beneficial, being a hater serves, from my perspective, no purpose. other than adding to general negativity.
but in doing so, i still want to be able to talk shit, to find the playful middle ground between shitting on others and fucking with them. because i believe not taking ourselves too seriously is actually healing for everyone involved.
and apologizing when i’ve accidentally taken things too far or hit a button offers me space to practice accountability.
it’s wild to think how recently i’ve moved from a place of self-detestation. i mean, it’s not as though i’ve completely freed myself from this practice, but the shift has been dramatic. which reminds me to appreciate myself and how far i’ve come so far on this journey.
i am grateful to every person who’s helped me get here, which are too many to name. adrienne maree brown being the most recent and potent example of someone who has modeled for me different ways to be that are nurturing, kind, engaged, compassionate.
i continue to learn the many forms Love can take, such as a daily routine that nourishes me. writing everyday is the most loving thing i’ve done for myself in a good while. it’s such a kind practice (when i let it be).
i’ve come to the conclusion, yet again, that i can’t focus on making money off of writing, at least not at this point in my life. that that would feel like jeopardizing this sweet, sacred practice.
i am growing in awareness on how to better tend to my body, trying to make shifts that are sustainable (versus extreme ones that last about a week).
i am learning how to share with others the person i am growing into, to trust their ability to receive me. and for this, i feel proud and grateful.
well, loves, i could go on, but i have an appointment to get ready for.
i realized that i have a practice of offering a prayer at the end of these posts. i hope you understand its intention is one of Love, and if it does not apply to you, to let it go quickly and with ease.
may we all remember our truest natures, as beings of Love and the Divine. may we allow the essence of life to be expressed through us, to become a channel for the changes we’d like to see in the world. may we remember kindness, first to ourselves, that then extends outwards. may we remember to dream, even if none of it comes to fruition. may you remember my Love, if you ever doubt that someone out here care about you.
❤ ❤ ❤