fuck i’m tired

goddamn, i’m tired. i’m not used to being this busy. especially this kind of busy. whoring myself out with little to no returns (the life of constantly pitching as a freelance writer)

it’s honestly so cringey and so draining and so fucking discouraging. to beg people to give you jobs you don’t even want. to try to convince people that you’re passionate about blogging about dentistry.

it’s like applying for a job every time you need to get paid. it’s honestly terrible and i don’t know why i keep doing it.

wait, i remember why. because the other options are quite lackluster as well. i live in a rural small town so unless i want to work at the dollar store, it’s pretty much slim pickings.

ugh ugh ugh. yep, i’m in a spiral of feeling sorry for myself. and there’s always this caveat: it could be worse. much, much worse.

is hating your job and detesting your existence being tied up with capitalistic bullshit just part of being american?

like i’m supposed to get wet over helping people sell a meaningless product. or over constant content creation in the name of SEO.

how, why, when did we get here?

i can already here the shitty white dude voice in my head saying, “what, would you rather be a farmer? ya, and what if your crops fail? you would just go hungry for a year.”

and you know what, BRIAN, i don’t fucking know what i want, okay?? i mean, is it so much to want to be able to survive while doing something meaningful, you know, that serves humanity positively? answer: yes, yes it is.

unless you got buku money to wrack up all the degrees and nonsense it takes to do whatever it is people do who manage financial success and personal fulfillment.

and i don’t know, sometimes i get in my spiritual feels and i genuinely believe it’s all gonna work out somehow. but today, in this moment, i am skeptical, i am cynical, and i am fucking fed up with the bullshit.

and you know what else? i am incredibly fucking privileged (read: college degree, parents who can help me out, white woman) but i am still a millennial. and this all still feels impossible.

i mean, what, am i supposed to get another degree to add $10s of thousands to my already perpetually increasing student loans??

what, brian, would you have me do? suck it up and sell my soul to corporate??

honestly, what is success in america? this is a question that’s been sitting heavy on my mind. who do you look at and think, damn, they got this shit figured out?

it’s like you’re either constantly struggling to survive or giving away way too much of yourself to a job that would replace you in a snap. (and that is stealing your life force, keeping you from getting to, i don’t know, live your fucking life)

damn i am so salty rn you could make jerky with me. but really, it’s so aggravating.

maybe i’m entitled, but you know what, this just can’t be it. i mean, the corporate lords would like us to believe we’ve hit the pinnacle, but let me repeat: this. cannot. be. it.

and so, what do i do? i keep on. doing the bullshit because the bullshit is what pays me.

if you’ve got any answers or guidance, please feel free to share. because from what i can tell, being rich seems like the secret to success in america. or working 70+ hour weeks grinding out until you have enough money saved to.. i don’t even fucking know..

i really don’t know. i wish i did. i wish i had a silver lining or some quippy takeaway.

but all i have is frustration. lots and lots of frustration.