Tag: liminal space

morning reflection: forging your own way

BeckiLeave a comment

my tarot card this morning has prompted me to think deeper about the process of forging one’s own path.

this comes to me through the three of wands. in Jessica Dore’s tarot book, she describes this card as the “liminal stage of initiation” when our “dream doesn’t align with the framework” we’ve been given. it’s about forging a life that is original, unique to you. it is, in trite terms, taking the road less traveled. it’s choosing the hero’s journey, one of risk, sacrifice, overcoming, and ultimately growth.

she goes on to clarify, “I know how easy it is to feel like the house always wins and that it’s going to be bad for you, when in reality you are the one holding the cards and calling the shots.” to be in a place of pursuing self-actualization, she explains, is one of immense luck and privilege. she makes this point not to shame but to empower, to remind us that we do have a choice in who we are and where we go.

i’ve been trying to hold this reality of my personal power to try and work out what direction i want to go. and the lack of clarity continues to frustrate me.

i have a few things that are clear: i want to do something in service to the world, something that serves the collective. but this seemingly simple goal is surprisingly hard to translate into tangible terms considering so many jobs out there feel as though they’re at best neutral and at worst negative for the collective good.

it’s also complicated by my desire to earn a livable wage, which in the area of social services and the nonprofit sector is a very real struggle.

so liminal space feels like a fitting descriptor, one that articulates the in-between of taking my power back and getting clarity around how to wield it.

i want to take responsibility for serving the collective, so now i have the confusing work of working out how to get in alignment with that desire. is it getting a job in something i’m not passionate about to pay the bills while i get more involved in volunteering and community organizing? or do i pursue a paid community job and try to get experience and make change that way..?

another thing that’s clear: i crave a mentor. i crave training. i crave education and skill development. i want to feel purposeful, i want to feel capable, i want to feel guided.

sometimes in the in-between, all we can do is hold the intention, stay open, and continue to pursue the breadcrumbs of intrigue and passion that call to us.

prayer: may i stay patient in pursuit of what is true. may i practice faith and diligence in the name of the collective good. may i remember my blessed and interconnected nature. ❤ ❤ ❤

good luck out there ❤

answering to the next 100 years

BeckiLeave a comment

what is the point of all this? this is a question i come back to time and time again, both in relation to daily practices, such as writing, and in relation to my life as a whole.

is there purpose to writing words no one will read?

is there value in this life i’m leading?

the answer has to be yes. because it is the only answer that feels true.

i pulled the Seven of Pentacles this morning, which in the Modern Witch Tarot deck, is a femme standing, staring reflectively at a plant she’s just watered (a watering can rests in her right hand).

this card represents a liminal space, between planting seeds and harvesting their fruit. it is a pause for reflection and eager consideration, questioning what will come of all our hard work and preparation.

this space makes sense for where i am currently — i have adopted certain practices, mostly my morning writing ritual, over the past month or so. and i’m eager to see where they’ll get me, what they’ll evolve into, where they’ll lead me.

and yet, it is not time to harvest — it is time to nurture, to maintain, to trust.

trust is a daily practice, for sure. it is the choice to believe that even in moments when it all feels pointless and frustrating, it’s taking us somewhere.

it’s the reminder that even if we don’t know how far down the road the finish line is, we can trust that it’ll be there. and it’ll ultimately lead us to our next path..

as mentioned in The Creative Tarot, in a culture of instant gratification, waiting can be a hell of a time. and it can make us feel like we’re doing something wrong.

the art of waiting has been lost, and in its place we’ve adopted doubt, insecurity, uncertainty.

making decisions from this place of antsy uncertainty, changing things before they’ve had enough time to blossom and develop, leaves us in a state of perpetual grasping.
we become eager to prove ourselves, guided by the measurements and timelines of the external world. and in-turn, we never find the true satisfaction we’re seeking, through a project/endeavor that’s been given the space to truly evolve and run its course. (and then we don’t get the full fruit of the lesson)

my fear of failure, of wasting my time, of never being good enough, often pushes me to change things before they’ve had a chance to really prove themselves.

even today, i was reconsidering my blogging practice. and logging into WordPress and seeing zero views for almost every day this week is undoubtedly discouraging.

which forces me to get rooted in my purpose. like Cassandra Snow talks about in Queering the Tarot, this card prompts us to take a long view of life. to ask ourselves what seeds we’re planting, not just for the week or the year, but for our lifetime.
she ends with pointing to the responsibility we have to generations that come after us.

this consideration brought to mind Layla F. Saad’s mission to be a “good ancestor.” it also makes me think of an interview between Layla and Leesa Renée Hall, in which Leesa explains that she answers to the next 100 years.

how would our view of ourselves, our accomplishments, and our goals change if we all adopted this framework — answering to the next 100 years, focusing on being a good ancestor?

for one, i imagine, we’d all take ecological collapse much more seriously. and that a lot of us would engage in wholly different work.

to clarify: i’m not telling anyone they need to radically shift their lives in order to be a good person (although if that’s an option, maybe consider it..). but i am saying this long view is worthy of consideration. and in holding it, we can begin to tweak our lives to live more in alignment with the path of those who come after us.

a point that Cassandra Snow makes in Queering the Tarot is that us living our truths paves the way for kids afterwards to live their truths.

so if i want a world in which being queer and poly are choices people can make without fear of ridicule, discrimination, or punishment, i’m called to live my truth in whatever means is available to me.

this perspective calls us to be responsible for the impact our lives have over the long-term. and honestly, i’m here for it. i’m grateful for the reminder, especially after the past week of sitting with the end of the world at the forefront of my mind.

…

as we wait for the seeds we’ve planted to grow and transform, the calling to sit with what we want the seed of our life to grow into is a sacred one.. one that does not revolve around action (at least initially), but alignment.

as we consider who we want to become, we become more aware of the small moments and choices in our daily lives that either move us in alignment or tension with the world we wish to create.

it is a responsibility that is easy to overlook, ignore, forget about.. and all the while, it may be one of the most important ones..

…

well, i’m grateful for showing up, even in moments like this when it all feels rather pointless..

i mean, hey, maybe in a hundred years, a blog like this will be like a historical document.. who knows. i mean, who knows what the internet will be like, or if it’ll even exist..

anyways, love y’all. happy friday! ❤ ❤ ❤

slow & steady

BeckiLeave a comment

i said goodbye to tobacco two days ago, and i’m already ready to welcome her back into my life..

wow, trying to get myself to write again has been a very real struggle.. even now my sense of motivation and purpose continues to wane..

it’s the autumnal equinox, a time when the day and the night are evenly balanced.. and i can feel that reflected in my internal state.. as i work on letting go and opening up to something new, i find myself confronting scars and wounds i’ve been carrying with me for decades.

i’ve missed writing, but i haven’t missed the sense of never being good enough. of the perfectionism that reflects my deep fear of being seen in my fullness.. it’s much easier to deem my own work “not good enough” instead of leaving it up to someone else to decide.

i’m tired. and i’m antsy. and i’m eager. and i’m ready for i know not what.

i keep getting messages around patience.. which makes sense as i occupy this liminal space. i have a sense of being led, guided, and prepared for something. it’s like following bread crumbs, trusting they’re leading me somewhere important.

i’m in such deep craving for purpose, direction, service, for a clear calling.. and i have yet to gain clarity around what that is exactly. to offer another metaphor, it’s like sculpting from a solid block, and as i continue to chip away, the image becomes clearer, but i still don’t know quite what i’m creating or striving to create.

wow, i’ve missed writing.. it’s strange the ways in which we deny ourselves the exact things that nurture and support us. i guess it’s fear.. of not adding up, not being worthy, falling flat.. or maybe it’s the comfort of the struggle, the simplicity of merely surviving.. it keeps life uncomplicated in a way, keeps me from not having to look too far ahead.. there’s a sense of being able to shirk responsibility without guilt when i’m barely getting by.. and so maybe staying in this state is a sort of limiting self-protection..