answering to the next 100 years

what is the point of all this? this is a question i come back to time and time again, both in relation to daily practices, such as writing, and in relation to my life as a whole.

is there purpose to writing words no one will read?

is there value in this life i’m leading?

the answer has to be yes. because it is the only answer that feels true.

i pulled the Seven of Pentacles this morning, which in the Modern Witch Tarot deck, is a femme standing, staring reflectively at a plant she’s just watered (a watering can rests in her right hand).

this card represents a liminal space, between planting seeds and harvesting their fruit. it is a pause for reflection and eager consideration, questioning what will come of all our hard work and preparation.

this space makes sense for where i am currently — i have adopted certain practices, mostly my morning writing ritual, over the past month or so. and i’m eager to see where they’ll get me, what they’ll evolve into, where they’ll lead me.

and yet, it is not time to harvest — it is time to nurture, to maintain, to trust.

trust is a daily practice, for sure. it is the choice to believe that even in moments when it all feels pointless and frustrating, it’s taking us somewhere.

it’s the reminder that even if we don’t know how far down the road the finish line is, we can trust that it’ll be there. and it’ll ultimately lead us to our next path..

as mentioned in The Creative Tarot, in a culture of instant gratification, waiting can be a hell of a time. and it can make us feel like we’re doing something wrong.

the art of waiting has been lost, and in its place we’ve adopted doubt, insecurity, uncertainty.

making decisions from this place of antsy uncertainty, changing things before they’ve had enough time to blossom and develop, leaves us in a state of perpetual grasping.
we become eager to prove ourselves, guided by the measurements and timelines of the external world. and in-turn, we never find the true satisfaction we’re seeking, through a project/endeavor that’s been given the space to truly evolve and run its course. (and then we don’t get the full fruit of the lesson)

my fear of failure, of wasting my time, of never being good enough, often pushes me to change things before they’ve had a chance to really prove themselves.

even today, i was reconsidering my blogging practice. and logging into WordPress and seeing zero views for almost every day this week is undoubtedly discouraging.

which forces me to get rooted in my purpose. like Cassandra Snow talks about in Queering the Tarot, this card prompts us to take a long view of life. to ask ourselves what seeds we’re planting, not just for the week or the year, but for our lifetime.
she ends with pointing to the responsibility we have to generations that come after us.

this consideration brought to mind Layla F. Saad’s mission to be a “good ancestor.” it also makes me think of an interview between Layla and Leesa Renée Hall, in which Leesa explains that she answers to the next 100 years.

how would our view of ourselves, our accomplishments, and our goals change if we all adopted this framework — answering to the next 100 years, focusing on being a good ancestor?

for one, i imagine, we’d all take ecological collapse much more seriously. and that a lot of us would engage in wholly different work.

to clarify: i’m not telling anyone they need to radically shift their lives in order to be a good person (although if that’s an option, maybe consider it..). but i am saying this long view is worthy of consideration. and in holding it, we can begin to tweak our lives to live more in alignment with the path of those who come after us.

a point that Cassandra Snow makes in Queering the Tarot is that us living our truths paves the way for kids afterwards to live their truths.

so if i want a world in which being queer and poly are choices people can make without fear of ridicule, discrimination, or punishment, i’m called to live my truth in whatever means is available to me.

this perspective calls us to be responsible for the impact our lives have over the long-term. and honestly, i’m here for it. i’m grateful for the reminder, especially after the past week of sitting with the end of the world at the forefront of my mind.

as we wait for the seeds we’ve planted to grow and transform, the calling to sit with what we want the seed of our life to grow into is a sacred one.. one that does not revolve around action (at least initially), but alignment.

as we consider who we want to become, we become more aware of the small moments and choices in our daily lives that either move us in alignment or tension with the world we wish to create.

it is a responsibility that is easy to overlook, ignore, forget about.. and all the while, it may be one of the most important ones..

well, i’m grateful for showing up, even in moments like this when it all feels rather pointless..

i mean, hey, maybe in a hundred years, a blog like this will be like a historical document.. who knows. i mean, who knows what the internet will be like, or if it’ll even exist..

anyways, love y’all. happy friday! ❤ ❤ ❤

¿why is stepping into our truths so f***ing scary?

this is the question stirring my soul as i sit with The World in reverse.

The World is the final card of the major arcana of the tarot. it is the place you end up at the end of a long journey that begins with you as a fool, naive to all that the world is gonna throw you way.

as you emerge from this journey, you re-enter the world, better off for it: more whole, more mature, more aware, and wiser.

pulling this card reversed indicates there is tension at play, resistance to stepping into the world as a truer version of ourselves.

the journey of the major arcana from The Fool to The World is one we’ll make many times in life. it is a cycle that ultimately brings us closer and closer to ourselves, to a more concentrated sense of purpose during our time here.

the calling of this card, to take what i’ve learned and apply it to my external experiences, scares the shit out of me.

there are many things i can write about with confidence to strangers that i fail to articulate to some of the closest people in my life, such as being poly, queer, a cannabis lover and advocate, a writer, a poet, a dreamer, a romantic.

i learned early on in life to protect myself from the judgment of others through learning how to adapt my external-presenting identity to whoever’s company i was in.. i could be the cool girl, the good girl, the smart girl, the funny girl, the articulate girl — whatever the situation called for, i’d put on my mask and perform away.

allowing my truth to shine outwards means coming to terms with people’s discomfort and resistance to it, because people are often off-put by someone bringing their full humanity into a situation.. i know, because i’ve often been on the other side of this — sooo threatened by the person who doesn’t shy away from who showing up fully.

grappling with this, i’m reminded of a phrase offered to me by a woman in a 12-step program, “it doesn’t all need to happen today.”

i take solace in knowing that authenticity is a process. it can be incremental, done in small doses so as to not overwhelm, to not terrify my inner child who feels like being more honest around others could destroy us..
there are lots of small choices that make up this big experience of life, and it is in these small moments that i’m being called to move the dial..

i am learning and i am open, and i am leaning on my spiritual allies to guide and hold me through it… i’m sure i have many queer ancestors who did not have the ability to live their truth, to reveal the fullness of themselves, and so i move forward with a sense of redemption and reclamation in their honor.

“may you be a force of resistance and revolution where you go,” is a phrase that evolved from a comment made by ashe phoenix about how if we want to live in a queer-friendly, weed-friendly world, we need to bring that energy with us everywhere we go. because in-turn, we give others permission and inspiration to do the same.

so ya, being authentic in a world that does not want me to be is freaking terrifying. i’ve avoided it for so long, convinced it may kill me. because let’s be real, it could. being a threat to the status quo is inherently a threatening place to be..

but the thing about The World card is it’s not about just showing up alone in your truth — it’s allowing this to be a catalyst and a compass to help us better find our people, our community.
resistance is not a simply solo experience — it’s about the ways our internal revolution translates externally…

so that’s what i got for now.

as far as a public offering, this is what i’m practicing today:
– may i be present in moments when i am being called to show up more fully as myself.
– may i recognize that no moment is too small to be a truer version of me.
– may i remember this will not happen in a day, but that every day is an opportunity to practice.
– maybe i also honor the truths of others — that in creating more space for myself, i can in-turn create more space for others to show up fully, honestly, and authentically.

much love, happy monday, and good luck 🙂

❤ ❤ ❤

self-assessment: can we pause to appreciate how far we’ve come?

can we live the questions? can we move through them, or more appropriately, can we allow them to move through us?

there is so much dominating my being right now: doubt, uncertainty, excitement, Love.

i have a strong sense of potential, and in-turn, an intense awareness around my fears of failure.

i’ve lived most of my life sculpting a box around myself — around who i should be, how i should act, what type of person i was. it was protective, for a time, and i’m grateful for it.

but in a cliched way, entering my 30s felt like entering a new plane of existence. i eventually realized i didn’t have to play by the rules presented to me throughout my youth. so the past couple of years has been reckoning with the truth of who i am versus the story i’ve adopted from a place of protection and external acceptance.

this has taken me many places, ones that have deepened my understanding of how unconventional i am.
my lack of desire for a traditional, committed relationship has informed me that i am not monogamous. i honestly don’t think i ever have been, but didn’t have the language or the understanding to come to terms with this.

this space to explore has made it clearer to me that i am also queer. another thing i believe i’ve always been, and yet, for so long, i couldn’t fathom how to integrate it into my identity. plus, i wanted so desperately to be accepted by straight men, and therefore avoided things that would compromise this.

i’ve learned a lot about my sexual preferences over the past few months. as someone with sexual trauma, there are lots of things that don’t currently feel safe or good. but i didn’t know how to give myself permission to accept this, to seek pleasure beyond those acts.
doing so these days is really exciting. i’m finding my kinks, moving towards embracing them. i’m learning how to tell partners what i like, what’s on the table, and what’s very much not.

getting older has also brought with it a sense of responsibility — to myself, to others, to my time on this Earth. i’ve been sitting with how to integrate my various selves into my writing, to create space to honor the collective suffering that seems to always be taking place somewhere on this globe.

i am working towards finding a “niche,” which is really about honing in on what interests me, what turns me on, and the ways i can bring these elements together to write about them.

i’m reminding myself, time and again, that when i speak to life experiences, to keep them personal, to avoid projecting my truth onto others.

i am learning that i have so much Love to give, and the ways i so desperately want to help others heal.

i’m learning how to deconstruct my resentment towards straight men from a lens of compassion. the more i engage with “typical” straight dudes, the more exposed i become to the pain of such intense emotional repression. and the more my heart breaks for them.

i’m trying to practice critiquing behavior from a cultural lens instead of attacking an individual.

i’m working to set down my “hater” card, because although calling out problematic behavior is beneficial, being a hater serves, from my perspective, no purpose. other than adding to general negativity.

but in doing so, i still want to be able to talk shit, to find the playful middle ground between shitting on others and fucking with them. because i believe not taking ourselves too seriously is actually healing for everyone involved.
and apologizing when i’ve accidentally taken things too far or hit a button offers me space to practice accountability.

it’s wild to think how recently i’ve moved from a place of self-detestation. i mean, it’s not as though i’ve completely freed myself from this practice, but the shift has been dramatic. which reminds me to appreciate myself and how far i’ve come so far on this journey.

i am grateful to every person who’s helped me get here, which are too many to name. adrienne maree brown being the most recent and potent example of someone who has modeled for me different ways to be that are nurturing, kind, engaged, compassionate.

i continue to learn the many forms Love can take, such as a daily routine that nourishes me. writing everyday is the most loving thing i’ve done for myself in a good while. it’s such a kind practice (when i let it be).

i’ve come to the conclusion, yet again, that i can’t focus on making money off of writing, at least not at this point in my life. that that would feel like jeopardizing this sweet, sacred practice.

i am growing in awareness on how to better tend to my body, trying to make shifts that are sustainable (versus extreme ones that last about a week).

i am learning how to share with others the person i am growing into, to trust their ability to receive me. and for this, i feel proud and grateful.

well, loves, i could go on, but i have an appointment to get ready for.

i realized that i have a practice of offering a prayer at the end of these posts. i hope you understand its intention is one of Love, and if it does not apply to you, to let it go quickly and with ease.

may we all remember our truest natures, as beings of Love and the Divine. may we allow the essence of life to be expressed through us, to become a channel for the changes we’d like to see in the world. may we remember kindness, first to ourselves, that then extends outwards. may we remember to dream, even if none of it comes to fruition. may you remember my Love, if you ever doubt that someone out here care about you.

much love.

❤ ❤ ❤