Tag: resistance

¿why is stepping into our truths so f***ing scary?

BeckiLeave a comment

this is the question stirring my soul as i sit with The World in reverse.

The World is the final card of the major arcana of the tarot. it is the place you end up at the end of a long journey that begins with you as a fool, naive to all that the world is gonna throw you way.

as you emerge from this journey, you re-enter the world, better off for it: more whole, more mature, more aware, and wiser.

pulling this card reversed indicates there is tension at play, resistance to stepping into the world as a truer version of ourselves.

the journey of the major arcana from The Fool to The World is one we’ll make many times in life. it is a cycle that ultimately brings us closer and closer to ourselves, to a more concentrated sense of purpose during our time here.

the calling of this card, to take what i’ve learned and apply it to my external experiences, scares the shit out of me.

there are many things i can write about with confidence to strangers that i fail to articulate to some of the closest people in my life, such as being poly, queer, a cannabis lover and advocate, a writer, a poet, a dreamer, a romantic.

i learned early on in life to protect myself from the judgment of others through learning how to adapt my external-presenting identity to whoever’s company i was in.. i could be the cool girl, the good girl, the smart girl, the funny girl, the articulate girl — whatever the situation called for, i’d put on my mask and perform away.

allowing my truth to shine outwards means coming to terms with people’s discomfort and resistance to it, because people are often off-put by someone bringing their full humanity into a situation.. i know, because i’ve often been on the other side of this — sooo threatened by the person who doesn’t shy away from who showing up fully.

grappling with this, i’m reminded of a phrase offered to me by a woman in a 12-step program, “it doesn’t all need to happen today.”

i take solace in knowing that authenticity is a process. it can be incremental, done in small doses so as to not overwhelm, to not terrify my inner child who feels like being more honest around others could destroy us..
there are lots of small choices that make up this big experience of life, and it is in these small moments that i’m being called to move the dial..

i am learning and i am open, and i am leaning on my spiritual allies to guide and hold me through it… i’m sure i have many queer ancestors who did not have the ability to live their truth, to reveal the fullness of themselves, and so i move forward with a sense of redemption and reclamation in their honor.

“may you be a force of resistance and revolution where you go,” is a phrase that evolved from a comment made by ashe phoenix about how if we want to live in a queer-friendly, weed-friendly world, we need to bring that energy with us everywhere we go. because in-turn, we give others permission and inspiration to do the same.

so ya, being authentic in a world that does not want me to be is freaking terrifying. i’ve avoided it for so long, convinced it may kill me. because let’s be real, it could. being a threat to the status quo is inherently a threatening place to be..

but the thing about The World card is it’s not about just showing up alone in your truth — it’s allowing this to be a catalyst and a compass to help us better find our people, our community.
resistance is not a simply solo experience — it’s about the ways our internal revolution translates externally…

…

so that’s what i got for now.

as far as a public offering, this is what i’m practicing today:
– may i be present in moments when i am being called to show up more fully as myself.
– may i recognize that no moment is too small to be a truer version of me.
– may i remember this will not happen in a day, but that every day is an opportunity to practice.
– maybe i also honor the truths of others — that in creating more space for myself, i can in-turn create more space for others to show up fully, honestly, and authentically.

much love, happy monday, and good luck 🙂

❤ ❤ ❤

how the actual fuck do we continue on?

BeckiLeave a comment

wow, what a time life has been.. the past month feels like it’s nearly destroyed me at times…

and here i am now.. contemplating trying to find new work/clients. and as a freelancer, it’s kind of a fucking nightmare..

i feel so down today. i mean, i’ve been feeling down a lot of days, but today, it continues on, weighing down my existence, making it impossible to envision something better, more beautiful, more satisfying..

i find myself filled with such deep anger at a system that’s broken us down, that’s minimized us and our most vibrant qualities..

i think of the many, many Americans who have sacrificed their soul in order to live.. the ways the system tells us this is the way it has to be.

i don’t see a place for me in this current system.. i struggle to find a place that doesn’t suffocate my soul..

i’m so tired, so motherfucking tired. of the pain, the disappointment, the injustice..

some days i really have no idea how i’m going to continue on, how i’m going to find a path that doesn’t plummet me into despair and misery..

and i feel self-conscious of this intense angst, but it is true. and it is valid. there is so much bullshit we’re expected to put up with, to bow down to.

i wish i could liberate all of us with the flick of a wand, transform society into something we all want to be part of.

when will it end? when will the reprieve come?

please, dear Spirits, help guide me out of this to a place of clarity, intention, and purpose. dear goddesses, please do not let the bullshit weigh too heavily on me.

may i find a version of life that is worth fighting for, worth sacrificing for, worth showing up for.

cause this shit, this bullshit we call “living” in the United States, surely isn’t enough..

when will it all collapse under the weight of misery and repression?

when will the call of millions of muted souls join together in a resistance that cannot be stopped?

the freedom that arises when we consider the big picture

BeckiLeave a comment

i didn’t write yesterday, breaking my hopeful commitment to do a blog post everyday. i didn’t realize this until i was headed to bed, questioned doing a short one, but quickly decided it wasn’t worth forcing it, holding so tightly onto an idea.

so here i am now. it’s still morning in my neck of the woods, and it’s been a peaceful one at that.

i went to sleep feeling crummy — that physical state that makes you question if you’re in the precursors to getting sick or just feeling funky.. i slept almost 10 hours, so clearly my body needed rest.

a quote by Leesa Renée Hall continues to stick in my head: “I answer to history.”

this quote was ringing in my head as i reflected on the culture of busyness and rushing here in the “United States.” this constant sense of urgency, of doing as much as we can in any given moment or day. of the glorification of this, of the status that comes with it.

i thought about this as i leisurely made my morning smoothie, moving slowly, feeling the muscles in my arm pulse as i opened and closed the fridge, felt the sensation of the zipper sliding across my bag of frozen fruit.

i thought about how moving slowly, intentionally, and trying to nurture a sense of presence, totally alters the way we interact with the world. and makes it much easier for me to feel a sense of interconnectedness.

i think about how much it serves American culture to keep people doing, moving, stressed, with never enough time or resources or energy. always focused on consuming. it’s a great way to keep people disconnected — from themselves, each other, the world around them. from the damage we cause as a collective. from the harm we continue to not answer for.

the months leading up to me turning 30, i had a strong sense of insecurity and lacking. i had no societal norms to show for this turning point in my life — no nice car, committed relationship, career, etc.

all i had was myself, which in the context of society, has no measurable value beyond my labor. and so, in a conventional sense, i felt valueless.

it’s been 8 months since then, and my view of myself in relation to my value in society continues to shift and grow.

i no longer feel that aching lacking that plagued me for months. (of course it still pops up every now and then)

and now that i’ve given myself the space and time to spend a lot of time in solitude, in silence, in stillness, i recognize with much more clarity how silly it is to measure my worth by societal standards.

and Leesa’s quote helps a lot with that, because it contextualizes me not just in the here and now but in the big picture, the long story of humanity and the world. the decisions that i make are not just about answering to the demands society makes of me today but answering to what history asks of me for the future.

i recently had an interaction with an old neighbor who in a short period of time said a flurry of very offensive things that both caught me off guard and jarred me. when i tried to offer a line of questioning to challenge his way of thinking, he told me, “i don’t like change.”

how silly, i thought, to fight against the only guarantee we have in life, the inevitability of change…

when i think about answering to an imagined future of where humans might go, how we might adapt, i realize how small and inconsequential a “career” is, especially in something that doesn’t provide lasting value or quality to others’ lives. it makes my actions not measurable to present conditions but to what could be, what i would like to build towards.

and being progressive feels less reactionary to the current political climate and more so an inevitable and necessary nature through which to relate to life.

there are still, of course, ways in which i am forced to stay connected to the status quo. in my case, i still need money, a semi-consistent income, and an idea of how to sustain myself through my life.

but i have less barriers around how my life “should” look. which gives me the freedom, the creativity to imagine a way to make it through beyond the tiny, restrictive box i’ve been given. and it turns something dread-inducing into a realm of possibility.

and i can also see that things are shifting and changing. this present iteration of culture and society is currently in visible flux, and the resistance continues to bubble up from under the surface into the physical realm. what once worked is breaking down before our eyes.

as far as what comes next, i’d say our best bet is to stay open and adaptive and nurture that space that connects us all…

❤ ❤ ❤