feeling it all

i’ve decided to take a break from smoking in the mornings, which i’d definitely gotten into the ritual of… and oh boy, do i feel it all.

all the sadness, the fear, the disappointment, the loss…

i’m scared of feeling. i’m scared of the weight of the hard emotions without the levity of joy.

and yet here i am.

Adele’s song “hold on” is a salve to my tired and fearful heart:

Let time be patient
You are still strong
Let pain be gracious
Love will soon come
Just hold, hold on

sending y’all love and strength ❤

¿why is stepping into our truths so f***ing scary?

this is the question stirring my soul as i sit with The World in reverse.

The World is the final card of the major arcana of the tarot. it is the place you end up at the end of a long journey that begins with you as a fool, naive to all that the world is gonna throw you way.

as you emerge from this journey, you re-enter the world, better off for it: more whole, more mature, more aware, and wiser.

pulling this card reversed indicates there is tension at play, resistance to stepping into the world as a truer version of ourselves.

the journey of the major arcana from The Fool to The World is one we’ll make many times in life. it is a cycle that ultimately brings us closer and closer to ourselves, to a more concentrated sense of purpose during our time here.

the calling of this card, to take what i’ve learned and apply it to my external experiences, scares the shit out of me.

there are many things i can write about with confidence to strangers that i fail to articulate to some of the closest people in my life, such as being poly, queer, a cannabis lover and advocate, a writer, a poet, a dreamer, a romantic.

i learned early on in life to protect myself from the judgment of others through learning how to adapt my external-presenting identity to whoever’s company i was in.. i could be the cool girl, the good girl, the smart girl, the funny girl, the articulate girl — whatever the situation called for, i’d put on my mask and perform away.

allowing my truth to shine outwards means coming to terms with people’s discomfort and resistance to it, because people are often off-put by someone bringing their full humanity into a situation.. i know, because i’ve often been on the other side of this — sooo threatened by the person who doesn’t shy away from who showing up fully.

grappling with this, i’m reminded of a phrase offered to me by a woman in a 12-step program, “it doesn’t all need to happen today.”

i take solace in knowing that authenticity is a process. it can be incremental, done in small doses so as to not overwhelm, to not terrify my inner child who feels like being more honest around others could destroy us..
there are lots of small choices that make up this big experience of life, and it is in these small moments that i’m being called to move the dial..

i am learning and i am open, and i am leaning on my spiritual allies to guide and hold me through it… i’m sure i have many queer ancestors who did not have the ability to live their truth, to reveal the fullness of themselves, and so i move forward with a sense of redemption and reclamation in their honor.

“may you be a force of resistance and revolution where you go,” is a phrase that evolved from a comment made by ashe phoenix about how if we want to live in a queer-friendly, weed-friendly world, we need to bring that energy with us everywhere we go. because in-turn, we give others permission and inspiration to do the same.

so ya, being authentic in a world that does not want me to be is freaking terrifying. i’ve avoided it for so long, convinced it may kill me. because let’s be real, it could. being a threat to the status quo is inherently a threatening place to be..

but the thing about The World card is it’s not about just showing up alone in your truth — it’s allowing this to be a catalyst and a compass to help us better find our people, our community.
resistance is not a simply solo experience — it’s about the ways our internal revolution translates externally…

so that’s what i got for now.

as far as a public offering, this is what i’m practicing today:
– may i be present in moments when i am being called to show up more fully as myself.
– may i recognize that no moment is too small to be a truer version of me.
– may i remember this will not happen in a day, but that every day is an opportunity to practice.
– maybe i also honor the truths of others — that in creating more space for myself, i can in-turn create more space for others to show up fully, honestly, and authentically.

much love, happy monday, and good luck 🙂

❤ ❤ ❤

finding home in our bodies (and its implications)

“Each day must remain an exploratory expedition. We must remain tourists on our home terrain.” – Julia Cameron, The Artist’s Way Everyday

what does it mean to remain a tourist in our home? when i wonder about what my home is, i land on my body, which houses the most tangible parts of me.

i want to highlight a difference here between being a tourist versus a strange in the homeland of our bodies — with my study of somatics, i have come to the understanding that most of us are disconnected from our body most of the time. and not by accident or some sort of individual shortcoming, but by design.

as someone who grew up christian, the dominant means of relating to my body was through shame. which was compounded by a capitalist patriarchy that benefits from me believing my physical form is never good enough.

so finding home in my body is a process, one i often forget about.

one thing i know about my body, a fact of it i often cannot escape, is my sensitive gut. my stomach is often upset, at least mildly, and despite years of trying to manage it, it still perplexes me.

upon reflecting in this moment on the hyper-sensitivity of my gut, taking into consideration recent understandings around the gut as the “second brain,” it makes more sense to me.
i’m such a sensitive person at a core, energetic level, that it makes sense that my gut often senses things my brain doesn’t in any given moment.

i’ve also become adept at hiding certain feelings from myself, such as anxiety, fear, insecurity. you’d think in moments when i’m incessantly reassuring myself of how not anxious, scared, or insecure, i’d be able to recognize the writing on the wall..

moments when i have the willingness and capacity to show up for whatever internal struggle is waging inside me, i eventually root down to the same place, over and over again: to the core experience of being scared.

i don’t know why, but it still shocks me. because on a day-to-day basis, i don’t consciously experience this fear. i guess that’s a survival adaptation or something..

but when i do tap into it, when i allow myself to feel it, it’s immense.
it’s a fear of death, of rejection, of never being good enough, of not accomplishing the things i want in life.

i mean, i think if i were to really sit with it, it’d all ultimately come down to fears of death and loss, whether literal or metaphorical (there are worst things in life than literal death, that’s for sure.)

and i’m learning how to love myself through it. not because i’m trying to be all gushy positive over here, but because it’s the only force i know strong enough to help me breathe through the weight of it all… such as environmental collapse – death on a grand scale.. death that has been taking over for decades now..

  • i read a lovely Medium piece that speaks to omnicide and touches on why it can so hard to put our finger on the immense suffering all around us (and its impact on us)
  • i also listened to an indigenous woman talk about the ways in which we experience the massive pain of environmental destruction, even if we’re in denial of it
  • i’m reminded of a tik tok in which the speaker reminded everyone that no one is okay, especially the ones pretending they are right now
  • and then a quote comes to mind: “It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.”― J. Krishnamurti

i have newfound appreciation for people who are real about the times that we’re in, which is pre-collapse. we are in the midst of life as we know it winding down (crashing might be more appropriate), and a new world that we have no idea how to interact with, relate to, or survive in emerging.. it’s a mindfuck of a time, that’s for sure.

and none of us are prepared. correction: *most* of us aren’t..

it’s a very strange time, this sleepwalking towards apocalypse..

and yet, maybe that’s the most human thing to do..
OR more accurately, the powers that be are too good at distracting us, at keeping us so worn down we can’t see beyond the day-to-day grind of survival.. ya, i like that better, because it refrains from blaming the general populace for the corruption and destruction of merely a few..

i approached the page today with not much to say, not much to share — i feel out of it, foggy brained. so i’m grateful for how far i’ve managed to make it.

with that being said, i’m going to wrap it up here.

and i want to be clear that i don’t share all of this to be bleak or depressing or hopeless. i believe there’s so much room for the potential of what comes next. i understand the connection between destruction and rebirth, which we so desperately need..

i wish i had an offering for today, but for now, all i have is my love.. and my commitment to doing this with you, this scary life thing.

maybe together, we can be brave.

i’ll leave you with some words from Melissa Febos:
“I don’t mean to argue that writing personally is for everyone. What I’m saying is: don’t avoid yourself. The story that comes calling might be your own and it might not go away if you don’t open the door. I don’t believe in writer’s block. I only believe in fear. And you can be afraid and still write something.” – “In Praise of Navel-Gazing,” Body Work

accountability, big & small

i’ve been thinking a lot about accountability recently.

the more i learn about organizing and social justice spaces, the more aware i become of how vital accountability is to be in right relationship with, well, anyone or anything.

i’ve recently had someone from *a past life* (the fuckboy mentioned in a previous post) reach out to me. to give more background: he was once a coworker and a friend. i developed feelings for him, shared them with him, and although he did not reciprocate, the real kicker was how he then proceeded to pretend like nothing had ever happened between us (including hooking up), and it was a complete and total mindfuck.

the rejection and what i guess we’d now call gaslighting was a lot to take in.

and there was a lot for me to account for on my side of things. such as how i was able to “fall” for someone who was not offering me even close to enough. and how what those realizations told me about where i was at in life during that period (which was very lonely and desperate b/c of it).

god, and then there was another iteration of this whole mess that took place during the pandemic (a year and a half after the initial drama), which led to me cutting him out 4real cause i finally just couldn’t (why i hadn’t already done it, idk…)

that wound from 3 1/2 years ago is still fresh in my body somewhere, waiting to be seen, felt acknowledged…

and it’s also its own flavor of confusing to feel deeply hurt while also being totally invalidated in your pain.

pulling my classic “cool girl” routine, i went along with the idea that everything was “normal” and “totally chill,” because otherwise i’d have to admit hurt feelings to someone who had already proven untrustworthy with my vulnerability. and double rejection at that time would’ve exploded my self-confidence into tiny, unrecognizable pieces.

so, anyway, it was a fucking time. oh, and he was my boss for part of this time period.

(lol i’m loving putting this guy on blast. i’m worried that some people will be like: he doesn’t sound that bad, you’re just overreacting. but i’m like, *the bitches who get it will get it.* he’s such a fucking fuckboy)

anyways, his “thinking bout you” text after months upon months of silence (and me blocking him on whatsapp (like come on, bro…)) was so basic in it assumption that after enough time, we’d suddenly be okay again.

and you know what, we’re not. and not b/c i can’t “get over” my past hurt but b/c he’s never had to fucking answer to any of his wrongdoings — the ways in which he betrayed our “friendship” that he claimed to care about.

just nah son, very uncool.

an open letter to whoever needs to hear it: look, if you don’t want to have to answer to shady behavior you committed towards someone in the past, okay, whatever, me either. but don’t try and pick up that relationship as though nothing happened and plan on just never addressing it and hoping it never comes up. like come on, that’s insulting…

i’ve also been thinking about accountability in relation to the vaccine and the ways in which i’m creating physical and emotional boundaries with people in my life who are still unwilling to get vaccinated (how i relate to people who are unvaccinated functions on a spectrum but at this point, whoever you are, my motivation to keep distance is protect myself and others (and to not lose my shit on you))

this is not about shaming people, it’s about fear. i now know people who have died from this virus (including young people). and i want to avoid being part of potentially hurting someone as much as i can.

so yes, people can choose to not get vaccinated. but they can then also be held accountable to the ways their decision affects their community. b/c idk if you’ve heard but we’re in a fucking pandemic.

and to add a layer of nuance to the conversation, i feel very conflicted over people losing their jobs, especially working class people, over not getting vaccinated… i don’t know how we’re going to do this, y’all…

but the people i’m especially frustrated by carry a solid amount of privilege and are acting rather recklessly, and those are the people i am struggling to find compassion for.

so here we are, 4 months and some change from 2022. y’all ready or what? cause honestly it still feels like 2020 over here…

❤ ❤ ❤