Tag: tarot

depression as a heavy coat

BeckiLeave a comment

when writing about pain, emotional pain specifically, it can be especially challenging to articulate the experience without sounding trite, vague, or both.

as i sit with the experience of depression in my body today, the analogy of feeling weighed down by a heavy coat comes to mind.

as someone who’s lived with chronic “mild” depression, or melancholy as an old therapist referred to it, the feeling is both familiar and oppressive.

today, it began with sleeping a lot and not feeling rested. it was the sense, upon waking, that i could fall back asleep for another 10 to 12 hours.

it is the inexplicable fatigue that makes just moving my body from one place to another a challenge.

…

i was listening to Tarot for the End of Times with Sarah Cargill today as she discussed the Temperance card:

this is a card i hadn’t previously had much of a relationship with, so my assessment of it was quite shallow. the traditional concept of temperance, of refraining from indulgence, is not one that resonates with me as someone in recovery from toxic Christian views that encourage denial of the body.

but Sarah Cargill’s approach was much different from the conventional encouragement of moderation. instead, she approaches the card from a perspective of the healing.

she speaks to pain as a “symptom of dis-integration.” and she also speaks to her own healing journey with chronic pain and physical distress, and her resonance with “alternative” healing modalities, such as Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM).

inspired by her story and analysis, i googled TCM’s view of depression and came across this assessment:

“According to TCM, depression is caused by stagnation, or blockages in the Qi (life force energy). It is usually related to stagnant energy in the liver, spleen, heart or kidneys. Liver Qi stagnation can cause strong feelings of frustration, stomach pain and digestive trouble, heartburn or tightness in the chest, and headaches. Heart or Spleen Deficiency patterns cause worrying, trouble sleeping, and poor appetite. Chronic cases of depression with anxiety are often related to Yin deficiency, which causes irritability, restlessness, poor sleep, and back pain. An acupuncturist looks at all of these symptoms and treats the appropriate pattern with acupuncture and herbs.” (source)

depression as blocked life force energy rings true to me, because that’s what it feels like — like something is standing in the way between me and experiencing my life fully.

i think about the experience of taking a walk earlier with a beloved, and how simply getting out into the world and moving my body seemed to work to move this stagnant energy.

but now that i’m back in a apartment, laying in bed, writing this post, it finds me again, that sense of deep tiredness residing in my muscles, blood, bones.

…

if i’m being completely honest, despite dealing with depression for as long as i can remember, it continues to scare me. i remain afraid of its potential to swallow me whole, for hours, days, weeks, months.

i’ve been practicing somatic mindfulness/embodiment, which involves getting still and sitting with what’s present in my body. and i’m consistently shocked by how often the experience sitting just below the surface is one of fear. often this fear is vague, not taking on any specific form. it seems as though merely existing in this world is fear-inducing.

i cried today, held by a beloved, and when asked what i was sad about, i couldn’t help but think, everything. “i cried today, held by a beloved, and when asked what i was sad about, i couldn’t help but think: “everything.”

the world is a scary place, being alive is hella intimidating, and grappling with the existential crisis of humans potentially going extinct sooner than later is freaking heavy.

i think about my craving for justice and healing, and through that lens, depression seems like a logical and valid response. that’s an aspect of depression that i find generally lacking from discussion of it — its validity.

there is always enough tragedy, whether personally or collectively, in this world to justify being debilitated by it. but on the other side of this equation is joy, which is equally valid. there are always reasons with which to be filled with a powerful sense of aliveness.

this reminds me of a story from Viktor E. Frankl’s Man’s Search for Meaning:

“The story of the young woman whose death I witnessed in a concentration camp. It is a simple story. There is little to tell and it may sound as if I had invented it; but to me it seems like a poem. This young woman knew that she would die in the next few days. But when I talked to her she was cheerful in spite of this knowledge. “I am grateful that fate has hit me so hard,” she told me. “In my former life I was spoiled and did not take spiritual accomplishments seriously.”

Pointing through the window of the hut, she said, “This tree here is the only friend I have in my loneliness.” Through that window she could see just one branch of a chestnut tree, and on the branch were two blossoms. “I often talk to this tree,” she said to me. I was startled and didn’t quite know how to take her words. Was she delirious? Did she have occasional hallucinations? Anxiously I asked her if the tree replied. “Yes.” What did it say to her? She answered, “It said to me, ‘I am here-I am here-I am life, eternal life.” (source)

what gets lost in the experience of depression is a sense of wholeness. i wish i could go back in time and tell my younger self, “it is not that your depression is wrong, it is that it is incomplete.”

a sense of despair and hopelessness is as much as a part of this experience of being alive as hope and optimism. but when experienced in excess, it creates a confirmation bias loop, seeking out all that validates its beliefs and ignoring the rest.

my depression, for much of my life, has made feeling joy seemingly impossible at times. this is largely why i’ve self-medicated with substances as a desperate desire to know what it feels like to feel good.

…

so how do we move through the internal blocks of depression? i’m very much still learning the answer to this. the most coherent one i have is the need to disrupt the experience, to agitate it. to seek out experiences that remind me what it’s like to feel alive, such as going on a walk in a busy city on a nice fall day.

Sarah Cargill refers to tears as the salt that’s needed to bring out the full flavor of our souls. so i’d say the release of crying is also a part of it.

i remind myself that hope is a practice (or a “discipline,” as Mariame Kaba puts it). and when i’m depressed, practicing hope can feel like trying to lift a car off the ground. so many times it is an exerting of effort that seemingly has little impact. which is where trust comes in — a belief that it’s all valuable, that progress is happening even when we cannot yet see it.

i’m reminded that external manifestation is often the final stage of healing and change, which helps me to nurture patience.

there is nothing easy about healing, or the irony that things often get worse before they get better. all i can do is trust, believe, practice. and when all else fails, i dig deep inside myself to find compassion for the hardship of this lived experience.

❤ ❤ ❤

spiritual trust // rational skepticism — a practice of non-duality

BeckiLeave a comment

“if you go looking, you’ll find evidence for both” — which do you want to quest for?

and also, how can you practice non-duality? so that these seemingly opposing forces can coexist with each other?

HOW do i create space for both?

…

let’s talk a walk through my recent tarot spread since i’m struggling to grasp what i’m trying to say. which is okay because i’ve been instructed to let go of logic for a while. so maybe it works for me to be scattered, to be piecing together a quilt of which i have no tangible vision. to choose intuition over striving. if i just surrender to the page, allow instead of “come up with”…

first we have The Fool, which represents setting out on a journey with a childlike sense of optimism and wonder. if you look at the card, you’ll also see someone blissfully unaware of the fact that they’re about to walk off a cliff.

so there’s a couple of messages at play here — is the fool, well, a fool? or are they all of us when we choose to embark on something new and exciting?

dramatic changes require risk, and to some extent, naive optimism… if you decided you wanted to open a business, get married, have a kid, it’s probably best to focus on the rewarding aspects of the venture versus all the draining, mundane, frustrating ones. if you focus too much on all the scary, hard, boring parts of change, your rational mind may convince you it’s better (read: more comfortable) to just stay where you are, even if it’s killing your soul a bit.

next up is The Moon, a truly lovely and mysterious card. for obvious reasons, when i look at this card, i immediately think of Women Who Run With the Wolves by Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes.

there’s a lot going on symbolically in this card — femmes worshipping the moon with wolf/dog masks, their subconscious emerging from the water behind them.

this is a place i think many of us might be confused by. or, to be more clear, it’s a place that confuses me. i both know this place of deep mystery, and i don’t. it’s like, unless i’m in it, i can’t really fathom it. which maybe makes sense considering it’s inherently mystifying nature, similar to the experience of dreaming. it’s those experiences that take place in the cover of darkness, that we struggle to name…

it’s a stirring from deep within to commune with something wild and ancient, to embrace the chaos of existence. i find the way i access this place is typically through my body, especially if i can really let go dancing, allowing myself to enter a more trancelike state. in this way, i can connect with something primal. and oh boy is it cathartic and invigorating.

last in this three-card spread is the King of Cups. like any tarot card, there are multiple ways you could interpret this as far as the ideal expression of masculine emotionality. which at first i was like, oh, that’s stoicism. or maybe meditative practices in which you allow the emotions to come and go without becoming too attached to them…

but then i read an interpretation by Sabrina Scott that i found to be much more captivating. which caused me to question, what does strength and power, from a place of action, look like in relation to our emotions? to which she explains,

To feel feelings deeply is a form of expertise: hard won, gained over time through practice and intention. This card has big emotions, thick like the ocean. And it has just as many gifts for us, just as much solace, just as much beauty…

This King embraces a different type of masculinity, a different relationship to gender and strength and intimacy. Each round of tears is an initiation into freedom, a fuller expression of how we feel who and how we are.

the place where ideal action meets intense emotionality is the practice of feeling. there’s a lot of courage involved in giving yourself over to a big and scary emotion, to trust that, in the end, it will not destroy you. [talking to myself here.]

and the only way to build this trust is to practice, over and over and over again. it is the courage to allow yourself/your heart to be broken and mended back together, endlessly. it is the work of a king willing to truly show up for all that is at play within their [inner] kingdom.

to show up for myself emotionally is one of the hardest practices in my life. i still feel so new to it, far from the expertise of this king.

so to sum it all up: limitless, naive optimism –> communing with that place of deep mystery, surrendering to it –> the courage to brave the storm of emotional turmoil and hardship, trusting we’ll come out stronger, freer, and more in touch with our personal knowing and power

…

much love, good luck out there ❤ ❤ ❤

inner turmoil as training ground

BeckiLeave a comment

i did a tarot pull while holding the question, “how can i grow my relationship with cannabis?”

i drew the hermit + five of wands:


(they were both reversed, which depending on my mood, carries significance. my general sense of reversal is that it indicates tension — blocks around the energy the card is speaking to)

musings:

i often struggle with my relationship around cannabis — constantly coming back to a desire to be intentional with my practice, making sure it’s sacred instead of compulsive, numbing or escaping.

cannabis has been in my life for over 10 years at this point, and so we’ve grown a lot together. and i, inevitably, worry about falling back into old habits, ones that don’t serve me.

and to be honest, i’m not sure how much i’ve grown externally with my practice of cannabis. i think in a lot of the ways, i practice her similarly, with some adjustments. it’s almost as though the way it’s the way i relate to her that has really changed. i see her more as a sacred sacrament than a “drug.”

…

generally, the cards are letting me know that this turning inwards about it, this internal conflict over it, isn’t inherently a bad thing. together, they’re reminding me that this is often the place of growth – intentional contemplation and allowing for/moving through contradictions, the parts of ourselves that seem in opposition.

the other side of the five of wands, of these people sparring with each other, is that it’s a training ground; conflict is how we grow, how we get stronger. in turning inwards and holding these many parts of ourselves as they combat each other, we learn that it’s less about one winning/claiming domination over the others, and more so about learning how to create space for all of them. how do we let the contradictory parts of ourselves coexist? how do we nurture a sense of belonging for all of them?

there’s a part of me that truly believes cannabis is one of the kindest practices i’ve integrated into my life. and another part feels like it’s often be a crutch or distraction, something that’s more compulsive than anything else. part of me believes that cannabis is a sacrament, not a “drug,” and yet i find myself partaking in her in ways that treat her more like “substance.”

i can’t remember the exact wording, but it makes me think of ashe phoenix referring to a “conscious practice of cannabis” — the reality is that cannabis is in and of itself neutral. or maybe it would be more apt to say that as a spiritual sacrament, she’ll bring the medicine, but it’s up to you what you do with it.

this also makes me think of something else ashe said in relation to cannabis justice:

all cannabis use is medicinal.”

ya, so it’s tricky.. cause even when i’m using cannabis to escape, to distract, to comfort.. can this still be reaching for medicine? i guess that’s why they call it self-medicating. it makes me think of how all behavior, even the most destructive and shameful, is serving a purpose a purpose — we wouldn’t reach for it if it wasn’t.

…

i do have such deep reverence for cannabis. and that’s one of the main reasons i want to make sure i’m aligned in my relationship with her. i want to always treat her with care and respect and appreciation.

the work of the hermit and the five of wands is to surrender to the internal conflict, to let it be, to show up for it. to understand that going through this turmoil leads me to the other side of clarity. the grappling with is an integral part of the learning/growing process.

and yet internal conflict can feel so wrong when it’s happening… waking up this morning, having slept a lot (like 10+ hours), i was wondering if it was because i smoked too much last night.. and showing up for that consideration honestly can be hard, because it’s triggers insecurity and shame — makes me feel like a “loser” or “failure.”

like, “again, Becki, again? you still haven’t figured this shit out?”

and there’s another layer to this as well — i often use weed as a scapegoat. if something in my life isn’t going right, if my energy is low, i blame it on cannabis. and so i both blame her and reach for her. this makes me think of my friend Katie describing people’s toxic relationship with money, like “i need you but i hate you.”

i don’t want to blame cannabis for my problems, because she’s always been kind to me.

…

holding consistent turmoil, such as my conflicted feelings towards my cannabis practice, is exhausting. i understand why people reach for binaries, all or nothing thinking. it’s the irony of the middle way, one of moderation, often being the hardest option. it requires consistent check-ins with self to make sure we’re moving in alignment.

it’s the hard work of daily dedication to a path.

i tell myself that if there’s a time i need to walk away from cannabis (again), that knowing will arise in me without forcing. but it’s important to note that in order to be able to hear that call (or any call for that matter) requires a practice of honest listening, one without judgment or restrictions.

before i did this tarot pull, i thought to myself, “i hope the cards don’t tell me i need to stop/take a break from smoking…” these are the revelations i need to be rigorously honest about — my deep attachment to smoking, at how often i reach for her, and the fear that arises in her absence. i guess you could refer to this as dependency.

and admitting that brings up feelings of shame, of failure. because i feel like i can either admit that and stop or not admit it and keep going. as opposed to admitting it and not stopping, which then just feels like self-aware dysfunction.

my trauma therapist, when i told her about my cannabis use, said it makes sense. and that she wouldn’t just ask me to stop out of the blue, because it’s obviously serving me in some way. there’s a sense of irresponsibility to taking something away without having an offering in its place.

…

i don’t really have clarity around my relationship with cannabis, because it’s many things. it does not fit neatly into a box of “good” or “bad.”

and ultimately, cannabis is loving. i’ve thought numerous times, if i needed to walk away from cannabis, i’m confident she’d understand. i don’t feel as though she‘s manipulating me, holding me back.

i also don’t feel as though she is truly the problem in my life. but i do have a lot of discomfort around the compulsivity that can arise in me with her. that’s the part that really irks me, that makes me feel “bad” or “weak.”

anyways y’all, i worry i might just start going in circles at this point.

i guess like many things in life, to be continued…

i’ll keep y’all in the loop with as much honesty and courage as i can muster.

much love and good luck out there ❤ ❤ ❤

navigating liminal spaces

BeckiLeave a comment

there’s a saying i learned when i was in AA — “the only way out is through”

like many AA sayings, it might not have originated in AA, but that is now my association with it. it came from a woman in a meeting after she described a deeply dark period of heavy drinking and chronic pain in her life.

i’d like to adapt this saying in relation to liminality — “the way through liminality is curiosity.”

i’ve honestly felt like i’ve been in a liminal space since the start of the pandemic. it’s like i’ve been in a perpetual limbo, uncertain how/when to take action.

the thing about the prince of liminality card in the tarot is the figure hanging upside down, hooked by their ankle is cool as a cucumber. not only that, they’re rocking a halo.

so the question becomes, how do you find a sense of calm amidst uncertainty, confusion, dissatisfaction, or a sense of stuck-ness? we become curious about it. we let go of the internal resistance to it (i like to think of this type of resistance as getting in a fight with reality).

anyways, long story short, it’s about acceptance, expansion. instead of attempting to control or change, we relinquish ourselves to it. and in that place of surrender, we find peace.

side note: it’s hard for me to describe something that feels like wisdom without grappling with the sense that i’m spiritually bypassing the inherent human struggle of it. like being like, *in lazily fancy voice* “oh, alllllll you have to do is accept it, my dears”

let me be clear: i will attempt to control with a chaotic vigor before i attempt to reach anywhere near acceptance.

i feel like there’s this idea, and i’m not exactly sure where it came from, that acceptance of reality, of something we don’t want or fear is like giving up. when in actuality, acceptance is always the first step towards true change, right? (can i get an amen?)

the irony of surrender is that it’s actually quite liberating. letting go of control, allowing ourselves to simply be another human trying our best is actually quite relieving.

this reminds me of another AA-ism: Each person is like an actor who wants to run the whole show.

sometimes when we’re in the in-between, it’s simply because we need to be there. and when i’m feeling truly connected, i see it as Spirit getting us ready for the next step.

alright y’all, i’m gonna end there ❤ ❤ ❤

acceptance as action & attention as worship

BeckiLeave a comment

note: these musings are inspired by readings from Jessica Dore’s tarot book, Tarot for Change.

tarot pull this morning: the prince of liminality* and the king of swords

the prince of liminality is known for being a space of patience and inaction. the prince is literally hanging upside down and totally chilling, seemingly at peace. it’s a place of calm not because everything is good and has worked out but because we have created the capacity to merely exist with it. we have let go of resistance and control. it’s a place of acceptance.

Jessica Dore does a lovely job relating to acceptance as an action, one that can prompt interest, curiosity, and observation. she offers examples of this:

  • looking at a difficult emotion with curiosity (to hopefully diffuse the sense of it being “dangerous”)
  • extending validation to ourselves when our inner voice is tearing us down
  • finding a sense of expansion to make space for a fiery emotion like anger/rage
  • learning to sit with discomfort, making note of its dimensions, taste, and texture

becoming curious about emotions we’ve typically ran away from can turn us into the observer, as well as the feeler, of the experience. we can become like a scientist, noting the ways in which sadness, loneliness, boredom, and anger unfold within our being and the specific forms they take.

i remember earlier in the summer, making a point to sit with boredom. to let myself simply be with it without changing it. and lord, it was one of the hardest things i’ve willingly done recently. there was so much shame associated with it. being bored make me feel like a loser, like i was doing something wrong, like i was bad at life, a failure.

without curiosity, i wouldn’t have been able to sustain this for as long as i did. and even then, sitting with it and feeling all the shame and fear associated with boredom, i could understand why i ran away from it. it was scary to experience, it carried so much weight. it was hard and uncomfortable.

my point is that learning to sit with the things we’ve been avoiding is both incredibly difficult and possible. especially from the somatic perspective of titration** — taking things slow and steady, like step by step exposure therapy. if your anger terrifies you, set a 5 minute timer to sit with it. and then walk away. because too much exposure too soon and quickly can compound our fear and avoidance as it overwhelms our system.

…

the king of swords is like the pinnacle of where learning how to hone and direct our focus can take us.

Jessica makes a connection between attention and worship, which i find captivating. this reminded me of an adrienne maree brown quote: “what you pay attention to grows”

the ability to maintain focus on something in the “age of distraction” is no small feat. i think of the commitment needed to stay true to one’s unique personal path — the ability to come back to that place of inspiration and connection with the divine again and again and again.

the most obvious practice for learning how to return to a point of focus is meditation. but to be honest, i find meditation oddly triggering for reasons i don’t need to go into here. and so if meditation is not the practice you feel aligned with right now, let me offer some other options: reading/studying, writing, deep listening, praying – pretty much any moment in which you want to bring your whole mental presence to it.

which doesn’t mean always being in a state of flow. it’s also choosing to come back to something time and time again, no matter how many times distractions get in the way. it’s choosing to not get discouraged by having to begin again and again and again.

so if our attention is like worship, what do we wish to worship? TV, social media, each other, our dog, books, work, stress…? and i don’t say this to shame or judge, because i honestly believe we each get to choose. i am working hard to live in a place of, “it’s not for me to say what is right for you, only what is right for me.” (which is different than asking someone to account for harm done)

on a final note, Jessica offers us a moment of compassion, noting, “I’d suggest we go where our natural abilities lie in order to build strength and competence in things that come more easily to us before we toil in the realms that are more challenging.” this, to me, is telling me: gurl, you don’t need to start meditating and fasting [two very challenging practices for me] today or tomorrow. we’ll get there.

prayer: may i remember that acceptance is a practice, one empowered by a genuine sense of curiosity. may i use my attention with intention and awareness, growing the things i love and care about with devotion and discipline.

<3<3<3 good luck out there

…

*this card is typically referred to as “the hanged man” but considering the triggering nature of that name, especially for Black Americans, i use this title instead. this insight and new name for the card provided by Sarah Cargill of Tarot for the End of Times.

** Titration exposes a person to small amounts of trauma-related distress at a time in order to build up tolerance and avoid becoming overwhelmed by traumatic memories. In therapy, people pay close attention to the sensations they experience when revisiting a traumatic event and gradually become less affected by them.

morning reflection: forging your own way

BeckiLeave a comment

my tarot card this morning has prompted me to think deeper about the process of forging one’s own path.

this comes to me through the three of wands. in Jessica Dore’s tarot book, she describes this card as the “liminal stage of initiation” when our “dream doesn’t align with the framework” we’ve been given. it’s about forging a life that is original, unique to you. it is, in trite terms, taking the road less traveled. it’s choosing the hero’s journey, one of risk, sacrifice, overcoming, and ultimately growth.

she goes on to clarify, “I know how easy it is to feel like the house always wins and that it’s going to be bad for you, when in reality you are the one holding the cards and calling the shots.” to be in a place of pursuing self-actualization, she explains, is one of immense luck and privilege. she makes this point not to shame but to empower, to remind us that we do have a choice in who we are and where we go.

i’ve been trying to hold this reality of my personal power to try and work out what direction i want to go. and the lack of clarity continues to frustrate me.

i have a few things that are clear: i want to do something in service to the world, something that serves the collective. but this seemingly simple goal is surprisingly hard to translate into tangible terms considering so many jobs out there feel as though they’re at best neutral and at worst negative for the collective good.

it’s also complicated by my desire to earn a livable wage, which in the area of social services and the nonprofit sector is a very real struggle.

so liminal space feels like a fitting descriptor, one that articulates the in-between of taking my power back and getting clarity around how to wield it.

i want to take responsibility for serving the collective, so now i have the confusing work of working out how to get in alignment with that desire. is it getting a job in something i’m not passionate about to pay the bills while i get more involved in volunteering and community organizing? or do i pursue a paid community job and try to get experience and make change that way..?

another thing that’s clear: i crave a mentor. i crave training. i crave education and skill development. i want to feel purposeful, i want to feel capable, i want to feel guided.

sometimes in the in-between, all we can do is hold the intention, stay open, and continue to pursue the breadcrumbs of intrigue and passion that call to us.

prayer: may i stay patient in pursuit of what is true. may i practice faith and diligence in the name of the collective good. may i remember my blessed and interconnected nature. ❤ ❤ ❤

good luck out there ❤

¿why is stepping into our truths so f***ing scary?

BeckiLeave a comment

this is the question stirring my soul as i sit with The World in reverse.

The World is the final card of the major arcana of the tarot. it is the place you end up at the end of a long journey that begins with you as a fool, naive to all that the world is gonna throw you way.

as you emerge from this journey, you re-enter the world, better off for it: more whole, more mature, more aware, and wiser.

pulling this card reversed indicates there is tension at play, resistance to stepping into the world as a truer version of ourselves.

the journey of the major arcana from The Fool to The World is one we’ll make many times in life. it is a cycle that ultimately brings us closer and closer to ourselves, to a more concentrated sense of purpose during our time here.

the calling of this card, to take what i’ve learned and apply it to my external experiences, scares the shit out of me.

there are many things i can write about with confidence to strangers that i fail to articulate to some of the closest people in my life, such as being poly, queer, a cannabis lover and advocate, a writer, a poet, a dreamer, a romantic.

i learned early on in life to protect myself from the judgment of others through learning how to adapt my external-presenting identity to whoever’s company i was in.. i could be the cool girl, the good girl, the smart girl, the funny girl, the articulate girl — whatever the situation called for, i’d put on my mask and perform away.

allowing my truth to shine outwards means coming to terms with people’s discomfort and resistance to it, because people are often off-put by someone bringing their full humanity into a situation.. i know, because i’ve often been on the other side of this — sooo threatened by the person who doesn’t shy away from who showing up fully.

grappling with this, i’m reminded of a phrase offered to me by a woman in a 12-step program, “it doesn’t all need to happen today.”

i take solace in knowing that authenticity is a process. it can be incremental, done in small doses so as to not overwhelm, to not terrify my inner child who feels like being more honest around others could destroy us..
there are lots of small choices that make up this big experience of life, and it is in these small moments that i’m being called to move the dial..

i am learning and i am open, and i am leaning on my spiritual allies to guide and hold me through it… i’m sure i have many queer ancestors who did not have the ability to live their truth, to reveal the fullness of themselves, and so i move forward with a sense of redemption and reclamation in their honor.

“may you be a force of resistance and revolution where you go,” is a phrase that evolved from a comment made by ashe phoenix about how if we want to live in a queer-friendly, weed-friendly world, we need to bring that energy with us everywhere we go. because in-turn, we give others permission and inspiration to do the same.

so ya, being authentic in a world that does not want me to be is freaking terrifying. i’ve avoided it for so long, convinced it may kill me. because let’s be real, it could. being a threat to the status quo is inherently a threatening place to be..

but the thing about The World card is it’s not about just showing up alone in your truth — it’s allowing this to be a catalyst and a compass to help us better find our people, our community.
resistance is not a simply solo experience — it’s about the ways our internal revolution translates externally…

…

so that’s what i got for now.

as far as a public offering, this is what i’m practicing today:
– may i be present in moments when i am being called to show up more fully as myself.
– may i recognize that no moment is too small to be a truer version of me.
– may i remember this will not happen in a day, but that every day is an opportunity to practice.
– maybe i also honor the truths of others — that in creating more space for myself, i can in-turn create more space for others to show up fully, honestly, and authentically.

much love, happy monday, and good luck 🙂

❤ ❤ ❤

tarot talk – the call to destroy in order to rebuild from authenticity

BeckiLeave a comment

sometimes when i sit down to write, so certain that the words are on the tip of my fingers, convinced that i’m in an inspired state, i open the computer, and it’s like that fire burning inside me immediately ceases.

that’s how i feel in this moment, uncertain as to how to proceed, as to what shape this will take.

and so when i am here, i simply move forward, putting one metaphorical foot in front of the other to see where it leads me.

i did a tarot pull this morning that was gnarly, that had my number, for sure.

first, i want to name the state i was in when i woke up, which was totally and completely drained. upon sitting with it, i could feel my need for release. to release all the sadness that’s built up inside me, mostly due to external realities (war, famine, children dying, environmental collapse).

and i was reminded that i do not know how to do this, to release. it’s a practice i tried to hone during the winter, when i was seriously struggling, and i simply couldn’t work it out.

i guess i’ve trained myself to hold on, to push down so well, that even now, as i grow into relating to my emotions differently, the pattern subsists.

i want to speak to the tarot cards, though, because that’s what’s really captivated me this morning.

the first card is The Tower. this is a card of destruction, which, if you look at it, is pretty freaking rough visually. i mean, you have someone who’s been speared on the rocks below and someone mid-falling to their death.. (it’s a bit reminiscent of images of 9/11, no?)

it’s not exactly a card that sparks joy, but it does have a purpose.

as Cassandra Snow points out, “the Tower only brings down the things in our lives built on a shaky foundation.”

so although it is about destruction, it is specifically about those things that no longer serve us (or maybe never have).

considering her perspective is on Queering the Tarot, it’s not shocking that this “destruction” often relates to someone coming out, whether as queer, poly, non-binary, asexual, etc. (leaving their less authentic identity behind)

in essence, it’s about freeing up space to live into our truths.

and boy, do i need that. i’ve recently been thinking about getting a haircut to appear more queer, because i want to allow myself to explore this part of my identity. but it’s also fucking scary.
not appearing visually attractive to straight men in this world is taking a risk, and in certain ways, feels like it can make you a target. i’ve very much moved through the world with the strategy of appeasing anyone who’s powerful/could hurt me.

the second card i pulled is the Ace of Wands. as you’ll find, this is a much more pleasant card in its aesthetic. the wands, connected to the element of fire, may be my favorite suit, because it’s often about passion (fire, duh). so being a romantic, i’m all about it.

i pulled the Ace of Wands in response to the question of, how do i live into my truths?

according to Cassandra Snow, this is about following the spark, the things that get us turned on.

which is an interesting antidote to such a bleak card (the Tower), and yet makes total sense. when we come to that place where we’re finally read to let go of our old ways in exchange for new, more authentic ones, what else should be our guide than that which excites us, that which makes us feel alive?

the strangest part about this advice is, i’m not so sure i know what brings me to life. i have ideas, i have tastes, but i don’t have clarity.

i’m reminded that often times, when we’re being given instructions, it’s less so about following something to a tee, and more so about opening ourselves up to the truth/essence of it.

say you’ve received the message to be more grateful. if you’re like me, you want to take this literally, to make it tangible, so maybe you start a practice of writing things down that you’re grateful for. and then maybe, eventually, you’re just going through the motions — your gratitude list becomes another task for the day.

this is often my response to a message — i try to make it to fit into a box.

i tend to be much better off when i allow myself to be in relationship with the essence of a message, to allow it to blossom however it wants within me.

so as far as following my passions, following my pussy, following what makes me feel alive, i want to remind myself that whatever i land on today is not set in stone. that passion is a pathway that will lead me many different directions.
it is not a map, it is a compass. (gonna be real, i love this metaphor)

and honestly, i take comfort in this message and framework: to be guided by that which turns me on to life, and to allow it to be flexible, adaptable, responsive.

because for so much (so, so much) of my life, following my internal fire has not been a given. (and if anything, has often been vilified)

so ya, in the end, it’s all a practice…

so cheers to that ❤

p.s.

love y’all.

a short walk through: patience, liminal spaces & presence

BeckiLeave a comment

i’ve been guilting myself over not writing all day/month/life, so here we go — might as well give myself one less thing to feel bad about.

i haven’t been writing, because i haven’t had clarity around what to say/how to put my thoughts and feels into words. i guess we call that brain fog these days..

i’m about 2 weeks out from a breakup, and it is sitting heavy on my heart.. the yearning, the missing, the guilt, and the desire to “fix” things. to somehow make it all okay, make it so it doesn’t have to hurt and scar. i fear the impact on him much more than myself.. which is pretty much the story of my life when it comes to upsetting situations involving others and myself.

i feel myself being called to nurture patience time and time again these days.. and with 6 doses of capricorn energy in my chart, i guess it was an inevitable virtue on my end..

i pulled the two of swords for my daily pull today, which features a woman seated in front of a body of water, presumably the ocean, blindfolded with two swords, one in each hand, crossed over her shoulders.

this speaks to the struggle of grappling with a decision while lacking the clarity needed to make the call. and i feel that on multiple levels right now.. a sense of being pulled in opposite directions without knowing which one is “better” or more true.

Between the Worlds podcast has a great episode on the two of swords, and ways to navigate such a predicament.

i’ve been trying to sit with this energy of tension, to feel into my heart and body for guidance. but as i drop deeper into my inner knowing, i find that the answer is to wait. to stay patient, and to let things play out. to trust that i’ll make a decision when the time is right, when i need to..

i recently learned the phrase “liminal space” from an episode of On Being (if you can’t tell, i’m a podcast whore), and it’s stuck with me ever since. in the episode, they were talking about borders as liminal spaces, but so are births, deaths, dawn, dusk — spaces of transition, of the in-between. and there’s something so precious about these spaces, something about their neither here nor there that breathes freedoms and possibility..

i think that’s one of the romantic aspects of traveling — the actual act of travel, of moving from place to another. it’s almost like a disruption of time and space, creating a place that allows us to exist beyond expectation.

i’m a pisces moon, so i loveeee dreamy introspection, and there’s nothing quite like being out of service or on a plane and forced to enter airplane mode.. there’s a presence that comes with forced detachment, an untethering from external elements we self-identify with.. a liberation that is both exciting and terrifying..

speaking of terrifying, i’ve been trying to create more space between me and my phone (further inspired by yet another podcast episode – Sensuality of Solitude with Jordi) and boi, do i feel ungrounded without my phone.. especially considering the large swaths of time i spend in isolation/solitude. it’s come to represent my connection to the world, my escape, my distractions, my engagements, my friends, family, peers, teachers, mentors.. all wrapped up in this one motherfucking device.. even my clock, timer, music, menstrual tracker, horoscope, meditations, eetccccc.

the level of dependence is staggering.. like wow, these motherfuckers got me just like everyone else.. so, i’m starting with small steps and being more intentional. because i’m not one to shock the system (at least not in this iteration of me).

anyways, 30 minutes of putting thoughts into words has tuckered me out.. thanks for taking this short walk with me. much love ❤

what does healing look like?

BeckiLeave a comment

i’ve spent the morning deep diving into the book, You Were Born for This: Astrology for Radical Self-Acceptance by Chani Nicholas.

i took out a journal, got my highlighter and pen, and worked my way through the beginning, taking notes and feeling nostalgic for my days of consistent learning and studying. i initially had the thought: i miss school. but then i paused, reflected more intentionally and thought: no, i miss learning and studying.

there’s a rush of excitement that comes when a new topic/area of interest captivates me. the most depressing moments of my life are ones where i’ve lost my curiosity, my sense of wonder about life — when it feels like there’s nothing worthwhile to be discovered, explored, engaged with.

in the past couple of years, my spiritual interests began with tarot and have now evolved to include astrology.

like a lot of westerners, especially those of us who consider ourselves “intellectuals” and have prided ourselves on our reason and logic, i spent much of my teen and young adult life not taking any of these things seriously. i dismissed astrology as vague and generalized ramblings, and due to growing up in a certain flavor of Christian family, grew up associating tarot with the devil.

so, coming to these practices has been a journey, one that still feels very fresh and new.

as i progress through the book, taking notes on planets, signs, aspects, houses, etc., i have waves of doubt and insecurity. and a voice creeps in that says: how silly to believe that the position of planets and stars have a direct impact on your personal experience of life.

this voice is familiar, has creeped up with every spiritual practice i’ve adopted, and it’s not always wrong. there are times when my intuition confirms the suspicion that maybe a practice or person isn’t to be trusted with my vulnerability.

there are times when i do a tarot reading or read astrology, and it seems completely unrelated to anything going on in my life. and that’s okay. because whether or not there’s truly a Spirit guiding me, the practices remain nurturing, comforting, and clarifying.

as Chani says in her book, as we deepen our understanding of what’s at play for us astrologically and how that is reflected in our life, we in-turn cultivate more compassion for ourselves and our struggle.

both the tarot and astrology are in conversation with ancient wisdom, universal truths, and the enigmatic nature of life. which, to me, means they are much more about learning how to live the questions of life as opposed to receiving answers on how to live.

plus, when it comes to healing, i believe in each person’s intuitive knowing of what they need to heal. and so spiritual tools are not about seeking external knowledge but instead are guides helping us to better engage with our own internal wisdom and knowing.

another element of both astrology and tarot is that they speak in what Chani refers to as an archetypal language, featuring often grand and wondrous characters and ideas. they offer us a fantastical and magical perspective of reality. which pushes us beyond our limited perspective to weave a view of life that’s much bigger, interconnected and significant.

and my romantic sage side LOVES it. because even when life is mundane, it’s still grand and magical. i mean, our existence is inherently magic made reality (lol you might be eye rolling rn & that’s okay). and when i navigate life with a sense of something bigger and deeper, things feel much more manageable, and even the challenges and hardships of life start to take on meaning. ❤