answering to the next 100 years

what is the point of all this? this is a question i come back to time and time again, both in relation to daily practices, such as writing, and in relation to my life as a whole.

is there purpose to writing words no one will read?

is there value in this life i’m leading?

the answer has to be yes. because it is the only answer that feels true.

i pulled the Seven of Pentacles this morning, which in the Modern Witch Tarot deck, is a femme standing, staring reflectively at a plant she’s just watered (a watering can rests in her right hand).

this card represents a liminal space, between planting seeds and harvesting their fruit. it is a pause for reflection and eager consideration, questioning what will come of all our hard work and preparation.

this space makes sense for where i am currently — i have adopted certain practices, mostly my morning writing ritual, over the past month or so. and i’m eager to see where they’ll get me, what they’ll evolve into, where they’ll lead me.

and yet, it is not time to harvest — it is time to nurture, to maintain, to trust.

trust is a daily practice, for sure. it is the choice to believe that even in moments when it all feels pointless and frustrating, it’s taking us somewhere.

it’s the reminder that even if we don’t know how far down the road the finish line is, we can trust that it’ll be there. and it’ll ultimately lead us to our next path..

as mentioned in The Creative Tarot, in a culture of instant gratification, waiting can be a hell of a time. and it can make us feel like we’re doing something wrong.

the art of waiting has been lost, and in its place we’ve adopted doubt, insecurity, uncertainty.

making decisions from this place of antsy uncertainty, changing things before they’ve had enough time to blossom and develop, leaves us in a state of perpetual grasping.
we become eager to prove ourselves, guided by the measurements and timelines of the external world. and in-turn, we never find the true satisfaction we’re seeking, through a project/endeavor that’s been given the space to truly evolve and run its course. (and then we don’t get the full fruit of the lesson)

my fear of failure, of wasting my time, of never being good enough, often pushes me to change things before they’ve had a chance to really prove themselves.

even today, i was reconsidering my blogging practice. and logging into WordPress and seeing zero views for almost every day this week is undoubtedly discouraging.

which forces me to get rooted in my purpose. like Cassandra Snow talks about in Queering the Tarot, this card prompts us to take a long view of life. to ask ourselves what seeds we’re planting, not just for the week or the year, but for our lifetime.
she ends with pointing to the responsibility we have to generations that come after us.

this consideration brought to mind Layla F. Saad’s mission to be a “good ancestor.” it also makes me think of an interview between Layla and Leesa Renée Hall, in which Leesa explains that she answers to the next 100 years.

how would our view of ourselves, our accomplishments, and our goals change if we all adopted this framework — answering to the next 100 years, focusing on being a good ancestor?

for one, i imagine, we’d all take ecological collapse much more seriously. and that a lot of us would engage in wholly different work.

to clarify: i’m not telling anyone they need to radically shift their lives in order to be a good person (although if that’s an option, maybe consider it..). but i am saying this long view is worthy of consideration. and in holding it, we can begin to tweak our lives to live more in alignment with the path of those who come after us.

a point that Cassandra Snow makes in Queering the Tarot is that us living our truths paves the way for kids afterwards to live their truths.

so if i want a world in which being queer and poly are choices people can make without fear of ridicule, discrimination, or punishment, i’m called to live my truth in whatever means is available to me.

this perspective calls us to be responsible for the impact our lives have over the long-term. and honestly, i’m here for it. i’m grateful for the reminder, especially after the past week of sitting with the end of the world at the forefront of my mind.

as we wait for the seeds we’ve planted to grow and transform, the calling to sit with what we want the seed of our life to grow into is a sacred one.. one that does not revolve around action (at least initially), but alignment.

as we consider who we want to become, we become more aware of the small moments and choices in our daily lives that either move us in alignment or tension with the world we wish to create.

it is a responsibility that is easy to overlook, ignore, forget about.. and all the while, it may be one of the most important ones..

well, i’m grateful for showing up, even in moments like this when it all feels rather pointless..

i mean, hey, maybe in a hundred years, a blog like this will be like a historical document.. who knows. i mean, who knows what the internet will be like, or if it’ll even exist..

anyways, love y’all. happy friday! ❤ ❤ ❤

at least i can say i tried..

i just listened to a morning meditation by Chani Nicholas, and in it, she talks about transitioning from the dream world to conscious awareness.

she speaks to holding onto this dream experience in some way, even if it’s simply holding onto the feeling.

have you ever woken up with the realization that you dreamed a lot but can barely put your finger on any specific detail? this was me last night/the past week — this sense of things are being unraveled and put on display but having no clear idea of what those things are..

so i appreciated Chani emphasizing, if you can’t quite grasp the details, then simply explore the feeling.

as i sat with this, trying to put my finger on the feeling at play in my dreams, i came across the word yearning, which then evolved to: a yearning for comfort.

i had a dream of a friend moving in across the street from me, and the sense of relief and joy at having a friend in this place where i know so few people.

i yearn so deeply for friendship, intimacy, connection, and community. and yet i know that this will not come quickly and easily.. i have no clear path to finding any of these things, at least not sustainably.

i’ve been working on my consumption of cannabis.. being so lonely and isolated, it’s all too easy to lean on its healing and comforting powers.. and like anything, too much of a good thing… well, you know..

and so here i am, writing. hoping that the expulsion of these words from my head will provide me some sort of levity.. at least for a bit.

the sadness that resides inside me needs outlets, needs camaraderie, needs to be shared.. and i believe that eventually i will find my way there. but the in-between space.. it requires more faith than i’m accustomed to conjuring. it requires a sustained faith, one that does not depend on external factors.. and let me tell y’all, that shit is a daily challenge.. to trust that although i can’t see it or even envision it, there is something happening under the surface, in realms i may never have access to..

but what’s the other option? debilitating despair.. i’ve been there, and i have no interest in returning. so faith against all odds, faith that contradicts my reason and skeptical side, that is what i’m nurturing, what i’m seeking, where i’m pouring my hopes and dreams into.

and if i never get there..? well, at least i can say that i tried ❤